outtakes + stripper restaurant idea


 If you own a restaurant, I have an idea for you and it is to combine the strip club experience with eating. I know this is going to sound bizarre to you but hear me out, have an open mind.

You go into a restaurant as a customer, once your food is ready, super attractive people come out to your table and then they sit down, and with their left hand they sort of stroke your head, and they’re like stroking you, giving little light touches. And with the right hand, they put the food on the table and they’re kind of rubbing the food on your lips and then feeding you the food very seductively.

I think that would be a very good restaurant. I know a lot of you are germaphobes and you’re so worried. Now that we’ve gone through this shit in America, you’re like, aw man that will never fly because we can’t all touch each other anymore. This can be worked out.

You know, you just have super clean workers, they’re very attractive, they wear very nice clothes, and they wear blue clubs. And the thing is, you as the customer, you have to watch your ass because if you go to a strip club and you start getting handsy with like the strippers and then the bouncers see you, they will throw your fucking ass out. So you don’t wanna be that fucking person, it’s fucking nasty anyway. All the power is in the hands of the people who work there.

The point of all this is to make, like, the customer feel like royalty. I’m not saying you could charge that much because I really wouldn’t pay $100 for this service or anything crazy. It would be better on scale, like a large scale, like a fast food chain.

If Burger King had somebody who came and sat down next to me and then stroked me with one hand and then fed me with a second hand, man, I would be at Burger King a lot more than I am now.

And some of you are like, that sounds gross, Doug, I don’t like to be touched normally and I don’t like to be hugged. Well, that’s you.

A lot of us like to be touched a lot. And then some of you don’t want to ever be touched like this, especially by strangers. I could give a fuck about that.

I am like, the more strangers who touch me the better.


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