Hey have you seen this creepy show on Netflix called Too Hot To Handle? It’s a show where the voiceover narrator boasts that they lied to contestants who are super beautiful and self identify as sluts, and they go like, oh you can come on this island and you’ll be there with all these other sexy people. But once the sexy contestants get there and they get all ROWR, the show tells them, you can’t have sex and you can’t kiss and you can’t masturbate and you can’t have oral sex and you can’t have anal sex, you can’t have any sex for weeks on end.
First of all, this is not very good for the human system, the human body needs to have things happen, it can’t just shut the fuck down, that’s not healthy.
Aside from that, let me tell you why this is a fucking creepy ass show. It’s creepy because you go, well how are they going to enforce people not having sex? It’s pretty simple to do, you have cameras everywhere, you even have cameras right on their genitals. This is not a close-up I made, this is a close-up screenshot from the show. They’re like, awww look at this, oh look over here, look at this!
So the show is a hypocrite, they’re like, hey you can’t have any sexual activity but we’re going to profit off of your sexuality, we’re gonna super just completely exploit the fuck out of you. And you’re like, but Doug this is just a close-up of their crotches, right? Wait, hold on, heyyy, exploitation of a guy who’s naked with his butt hanging out!
Now I’m all for self exploitation, the guy signed on the dotted line, he knows the cameras are there, he takes his pants off, that’s fine with me, that’s great, except for the fact that he’s kept from having sexual activity for the time he’s here.
You’re probably like, why don’t they just masturbate and fuck in the showers? Oh because there are cameras in the showers as you can tell here, and here.
So then you’re probably thinking like, well they probably masturbated in the bathroom right? No. These crazy producers hired what they called pervy producers or pervy assistants — and they go, ha ha no, we’re joking — but really we had people sitting outside the bathrooms listening to the heavy breathing of people while they’re on the toilet to make sure they aren’t masturbating and having heavy breathing on the toilet! Are you telling me someone can’t be in the bathroom masturbating and like somehow covering up their breath?
So meanwhile, there is a voiceover narrator and this woman is always reading these lines written for her, or maybe she’s writing them I don’t know, but the lines sound like someone from the 1800s or some Victorian era prude is like, oh my God how dare this person kiss them? And, oh my god you’re getting very close to kissing or something. And it’s like, man what the fuck kind of prude ass are you? Shut the fuck up.
You can’t simultaneously go like, hey viewer check out this sexy person, and at the same time be like, this sexy person is disgusting for wanting to have sex. Like what kind of mixed message bullshit is this, you stupid fucking asshole piece of shit show?
Do you see this guy? They’re constantly on this guy‘s ass because he’s wanting to get it on, because he’s like 20 or 21 or something, and he’s sexy and he’s horny, you know, like here he is naked, so the show is like, hey check out this naked guy… who can’t masturbate!
So you’re like, what’s the stick and carrot for the show? The carrot is, at the end of season one they divided the remnants of $100,000 among a bunch of people who got to the end so each contestant got an extra 10 grand on top of whatever salary they got for being on this show. So if you are a super hot model type person, the question is, can you go like three weeks or however many weeks they went on this tropical island with other beautiful people, mostly naked all of the time, and not have any sexual congress for like 10 grand? Is it worth 10 grand? This would be an interesting question if it weren’t so fucking creepy.
So how intrusive was the show? Here is a couple having oral sex and they were caught on this camera. And then the next day, they were like, we’re going to deduct so many thousands of dollars from the grand prize pool which we’re gonna spread out among like eight or 10 people or whatever it was. So like this blowjob cost this couple, I don’t know, a few hundred bucks? Like, it seemed kind of worth it to me.
So you’re probably like, the season two people probably saw the first season of Too Hot To Handle and they knew what they were getting themselves into when they signed up for the show. No. They were lied to. They were told they were going to be in this show called Parties in Paradise. So they go, ha ha you’re gonna be in this show called Parties in Paradise and you’re going to be on this island with a lot of hot people and have lots of sex, so in their minds the contestants were probably like, oh my God you know I’m going to be on this island with all of these beautiful people. They had no idea they were going to be told they had to be chaste for weeks on end or they were going to lose some prize and get thrown off some show. And people do get thrown off the show if they don’t take the show seriously.
Let me tell you what this crazy show does to people. One of the things it does is it makes the women look at their vaginas and their vulvas in these mirrors, so the show is like, you can’t have sex and you can’t masturbate and you can’t kiss and you can’t have oral sex or we’re going to deduct money from you, but we’re going to film you looking at your vulva and inside your vagina on camera.
What drives me crazy about this is, there’s a thing TV news used to do a lot of back in the old days. They would go like, here’s a bunch of sexy stuff that we’re showing you and we disapprove of it, but we’re going to profit off of it, and this is exactly what this show is doing. They’re like, oh look at these dumb ass sluts that we’re trying to fix their lives by making them not be so sexual anymore, but look at them and see how beautiful they are and make sure you’re subscribed to Netflix and give us that money, money for naked people who we won’t let fuck.
I mean, look how beautiful these people are. Look at these fine specimens of sexual beings. This guy says the thing he’s most proudest of his dick, it is comparable in size to this air freshener can, so this beautiful guy with this giant tool is supposed to keep it under wraps for three or four weeks or however long they film this fucking show for, give me a fucking break.
Oh and here’s the other disgusting thing about the fucking show. Whenever anybody breaks the fucking rules, the voiceover narrative goes, tsk tsk tsk don’t you know you’re costing your team money? And it’s like, a kiss costs $3,000 so when someone breaks the rules the show voiceover is like, money is everything, kissing sucks, sex sucks, do everything for money! This is what Netflix represents with this show.
Now am I going to keep watching it? Yeah. I’m going to put it on in the background and put the volume down, put some music on or something like that, I used to watch Charmed like that.
If there’s one reason I’m glad I watched the show it is to see this woman Chloe, Chloe is like a female Russell Brand, she’s hot, she’s sexy, she’s dumb. I hope she’s in every reality show for the next five years. She is great.
So if you watch this show, I don’t really blame you, because everybody’s really pretty, but what I recommend is you turn the volume down because when you’re fucking listening to them talk, they don’t say a lot of interesting things, and the other thing is the voiceover narrative is fucking god awful, they’re always like tsk tsk tsk I can’t believe you kissed that person, you just cost everybody some money.
And the bullshit reason they give these contestants for not having sex is they go, we’re trying to make you more complete people who don’t just think about sex but you think about love and connections. But the producers told the media the reason they came up with the show is because they saw the masturbation episode of Seinfeld, the episode where there was a financial incentive for whoever masturbated last. They wanted to do a beautiful show with beautiful people on a beach, set to this idea from Seinfeld. But when you’re watching the show, they’re like, we’re trying to make you feel bonded.
So I’m sure you’re like, why are you sticking up for a bunch of hot people on an island? You know why? Because I am the spokesperson for hot people who want to have sex. So on a scale from 1 to 5, I will give this show 2 stars.
Thanks everybody, I love you, I hope you’re making the best day of your life.
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