Dear rude mean people, please go get a life and stop ruining people’s happy hour with your bigoted jokes!

 

So let me tell you what I just endured. I was in this restaurant bar to get these happy hour nachos, and this guy decides to sit down next to me, and I thought he was just going to be some friendly guy.

He purposely sits down next to me at a completely empty bar, so there’s like 1 million seats open but he’s like, I’m gonna sit next to this guy because he looks fun, which I am.

And then he goes, blah blah blah, I’m a Trumper and Biden is a racist and Georgia has lots of different ballots, and all this nonsense that, I don’t wanna hear it, I don’t wanna hear it.

And I’m like, let me ask you a question: Why do you care? The election is over, this is an off-year, there are no elections this year, maybe you can just enjoy your life and enjoy some video games or something.

And he’s like: I can’t do that because the state of Georgia has these different …

And then he just goes on this whole fucking long thing about how he can’t stop being political because politics exist somewhere.

Now I get that, I get that. There are a lot of people in America who are like, I want to keep being political even though it’s not an election year. I totally get that. Everybody’s gotta fight for everything.

But I’m just trying to have some motherfucking nachos with some water at happy hour, you know, just take it somewhere else.

Then the guy’s like, can I tell you a dad joke? So I thought he was going to tell me a funny dad joke with puns that have to do with porcupines or something. But it wasn’t. It was a long joke I’m obviously not gonna repeat. The punchline was a super cruel joke I’m not gonna repeat about Puerto Ricans.

And I’m like, I said to him, dude, that’s offensive. And he goes, you people on the left are killing comedy, like Pryor couldn’t exist now and Carlon couldn’t exist now, and blah blah blah.

Oh I’m so sorry you can’t just go around insulting people for the way that you are discriminating against them on a daily basis. Oh excuse me that you can’t discriminate against people anymore. Oh, you really lost out.

You know what makes me angriest is, you see this skin color? I’m white. If you’re a white man in this world and you think like I’m gonna laugh at your racist fucking shit because you’re a white guy and I’m a white guy, fuck you, and not in a good way.

Don’t give me your bigoted jokes. I don’t wanna hear your bigoted jokes about people with different skin color or different heritage or their sexual lives or being a woman or having too much weight on their body, or any of that bullshit.

There are all these motherfucking assholes and they’re like, oh you’re so politically correct, you’re so politically correct, I can’t tell the same joke I’ve been telling my whole life.

You know, it’s not just that you tell bigoted jokes, it’s that you’re a fucking hack. Am I telling the same jokes I was telling when I was 20? No. Did I ever tell racist jokes? No, because I am not a racist.

It’s time for you to get some new fucking jokes. Get some new material about your car, about phones, like, there are a lot of things you can make jokes about. That guy made a joke about me being a video gamer and it was better than every other joke he told.

So he kept going what do you do for work, what do you do for work? And I was like, oh I’m not gonna tell this fucking guy. But it got to the point where he was so fucking annoying, I just went, are you ready for this? I am the head of the communist party in Nevada. And I’m not. Because fuck that guy for ruining my nachos.

Here’s a tip. You want to win over me on a personal level? Don’t ruin my nachos o’clock at happy hour! You’re not winning any points. Shut the fuck up motherfuckuh. 

I had to get my nachos to-go. Look. These are my to-go nachos I had to get because I couldn’t eat them in the fucking restaurant.

I just looked at him and I thought, maybe this guy likes strip clubs, I like strip clubs, what kind of Trumper wouldn’t like strip clubs?

So I go, there’s no election year, why don’t you go to the strip clubs? So he pulls his phone out and he shows me pretty naked imagery of some woman who is much younger than him.

One of the things that drives me crazy about this is I have a motto. And the motto is, no arguing and no suffering. I didn’t argue with him, I just made little jokes about communism and shit, you know, and I made a good point.

He was like, oh you know Bernie Sanders and all these other communists, they have mansions.

And I go: exactly! You don’t understand communism. Do you think communism is about being poor. No! Communism is about making everybody as rich as each other. What is the city you think of as the most socialist leftist? San Francisco. Guess how much it costs to live in San Francisco. A lot. Guess how much people earn in San Francisco. A ton. Do you know why? Because it’s a socialist town in a socialist state. If you want to live in abject poverty, go live in some red state, rural, where it’s super capitalist and then go to San Francisco and make a fortune earning cash at a good job and a nice city and go, why is this town so great? Because it’s a leftist town.

I’m not a fucking spokesperson for communism or socialism, by the way. I am a spokesperson for me in my car and my nachos. I am a spokesperson for enjoying my nachos. I am not a spokesperson for socialism or communism. I know what’s going on in the fucking world, and so these Fox News Trumper motherfuckers are like, communism socialism blah blah blah blah. Guess what. The blue states with all the high taxes and all the leftist shit? That’s where all the money is. That’s because Socialism increases people's value as human beings and financially. The end!

One last thing, off-topic. You see this hat that says Minnesota? I’m not from Minnesota. I went to the Minnesota airport a couple of years ago, so I thought I’d get a hat. So I got this hat and then I wore it on the plane and then everybody that worked on the plane was like, hello sir, hello sir, what can I get you sir? And I was like, wow, I’m getting such good service. And I thought, maybe it’s because of this hat. So then I took another plane to another city and they were like, oh hello Mr. Minnesota, what can I get you, what can I get you? And I was like, what the fuck? So I’ve been wearing this hat for a couple of years and you know what I noticed about it is, of all the hats I’ve worn in my lifetime, this is the one people treat me the nicest. I think it’s because people associate Minnesotans as being the nicest state, so they see the hat and go, this is going to be a nice person. I think this is maybe why that crazy guy sat next to me. I don’t think it has anything to do with anything other than me wearing this nice Minnesota hat, so he’s like, oh there’s a nice guy from Minnesota that I can unload my ignorant toxic thoughts and bigotry to.

Happy Juneteenth everybody. Hallelujah for that holiday coming through, it’s been a long time coming and we have a lot of progress to make in this fucking country. But right now I’m going to go home and eat my fucking nachos. And I don’t want any politics from anybody, I don’t want politics from the left or the right or the middle or anything. I just wanna enjoy my fucking nachos, smoke a bowl of weed, get on the treadmill, lift some weights, I just need no arguing or suffering. No arguing no suffering. No arguing no suffering. I love you.  I hope you’re having the best day of your life.

The family behind me is like, why is this guy screaming in his rearview mirror?