You can’t tell right now but I woke up with these super crazy allergy things under my eyeballs, and I’m going to put up a little picture so you can see what it was, and now it’s a little better. It’s improving as I wake up.
But when I first saw it I thought, Oh my God, I’m not gonna live through the morning looking like this.
I don’t mean vanity-wise. I mean, ugh.
And this is what it is to be an allergic person. I don’t know how many of y’all out there just have randomly puffy eyes.
I was walking through a mall and one of these carnival barkers who works in those little kiosks, I was walking by and she goes, excuse me excuse me, and at first I didn’t know it was a carnival barker, so I look over and she’s like, hey I can help you with those dark circles under your eyes.
And I was like, fuck you man. I mean I didn’t say that to her. I don’t wanna start a fight in a kiosk. But I was like, that’s pretty fucking rude.
Can you imagine if I just came up to you on the street and I was like, hey stranger! You look like shit. Why don’t you let me fix the shitty looking circles under your fucking eyes. Imagine if I did that to you. You’d be like, fuck you! Haha.
A couple of years ago I went to this dermatologist and they made me do the whole thing where I’m laying down and they come out and they put all these pins in your back, and it sounds great, but it’s not as good as it sounds. You’re just laying there and you feel exposed and vulnerable like someone can come in, and I had some kind of prehistoric sense of, oh my God I’m in danger, I’m on my stomach, and there’s a bunch of things in my back.
But I had a little talk with myself and I was like, don’t worry about it, it’ll be fine.
So then the dermatologist comes in and he’s like, hey you know what? You don’t have any allergies.
And I was like, how is this possible? Do you see these bags under my eyes? And he goes, yeah.
Now let me tell you my favorite allergy story, is when I had my first allergy. I was 17 years old and a very very attractive person asked me out on a date. Asked ME out. And I was like, fantastic. And she was like, I’ll pick you up. And I was like, great.
So we go and we play pool. And we’re playing pool, and she’s making all these kinds like flirty things, you know. It was great. I was 17 years old and I was in heaven. I was playing pool with a girl who asked me out and she was buying me beer. I felt like, how did this happen?
She wanted to make a little bet, you know, like one of these bets people make on dates.
But then suddenly she goes, oh my God we gotta go! And I said, why? She goes, just go, let’s go, we gotta go. And I was like, oh my God, maybe like she’s hemorrhaging inside or something. Maybe she has like an army of ants crawling up her legs. I’m just kidding, I didn’t think that. But I was like, what the hell happened to her, you know?
So we leave the student union at this university and so I get in her car and I’m asking, what’s wrong what’s wrong? I thought it was her.
And she goes, pull down the visor and look in the mirror.
And I did, and my face was covered in what’s called giant urticaria. Big fucking red rashes.
So I looked like, not a lobster, but a bunch of little shrimp. I looked like a shrimp house, like a home for wayward shrimp, like all the shrimp that have no home had arrived on my face.
That was the end of dating her! Haha.
I spent like a month, a month, trying to figure out what the fuck this allergy was. My grandmother Nana who raised me, she had been a nurse, so she put me on this elimination diet, and we found out I was allergic to caffeine, so for many years, I couldn’t have coffee, I couldn’t have Coca-Cola, I couldn’t have cocoa, I couldn’t have chocolate bars. Imagine being 17 years old and finding out you can’t have Coca-Cola and chocolate bars anymore. It was the end!
Not to mention my grandma made this delicious Southern sweet tea. So I couldn’t have her delicious sweet tea anymore, which all of us in the family drank, you know, like a fucking pitcher every half a day. Nana had to make two pitchers of iced tea a day, you know. The thing I heard most of my childhood was, Nana would you make some new tea? Or some hickified southern version of that thing that my sister would say, or my mom, or me, or my brother. Now suddenly I could not enjoy the nectar of the gods. I love Las Vegas and I would never move back to the south, but that sweet fucking tea, goddamn that shit’s good.
So when I found out I was allergic to caffeine, I go to the dermatologist, he gives me this plastic cup! This dermatologist gives me this plastic fucking cup and goes, here I need a stool sample. And I’m 17, I certainly didn’t know what the fuck a stool specimen was, so the dermatologist goes, here’s your cup, come back with a stool sample in one week. And I’m like, what is a stool sample, this makes no sense to me. I certainly wasn’t going to try to guess what it fucking was. And the doctor goes, poop. And I go, what? And he goes, poop, a stool sample is poop, I need you to poop in this cup.
And I looked at this little cup, you know, and it was the kind of cup you might put ranch dressing in to give to someone on the side of like chicken wings.
And so I go, you want me to poop in this cup? And he said, yes. And then I was like, no. I am not going to poop in this cup! I don’t even poop. I am a perfect robot alien human being who arrived on this planet and I don’t have to do the disgusting other things that you normal human beings have to do, that’s why I cannot poop in this cup.
So I gave the cup back and I did not go back to that dermatologist.
After that I couldn’t drink caffeine for like seven years. And every year I would take a little bit of taste of coffee or a little nugget of chocolate and I would wait to see. I would be like, please please have gone away, because that doctor who wanted me to poop in the cup, the dermatologist said the allergy could last a day, week, month, year, or my whole life. So I was always waiting to get the deliciousness of caffeine back in my life. I am like a cheerleader deep down, and I am a true faithful believer in the human endurance, so I was like, I’m going to beat this fucking allergy … by doing nothing, by just by waiting.
Finally after about seven years, the allergy just disappeared and I can drink coffee, I’ve been drinking coffee, I still have a little bit of an allergy to it, even though it doesn’t show up in tests. If I drink like 6 cups of coffee on an empty stomach, which I’ve done many times because I’m an addict, then I get itchy little bumps, and it itches.
But you know what is great about an allergy, there is one upside to an allergy, which is, when I’ve had a full allergic breakdown all over my body and I’m just like covered in itchy itchiness, then you have to tell yourself not to scratch, you tell yourself not to scratch, don’t scratch don’t scratch don’t scratch. Because if you scratch you make it worse. You go, it feels so good. And then 30 seconds later, it’s the worst feeling you’ve ever had. So the thing is if you scratch an itch, it gets stronger, I mean that’s the metaphor of addiction, like if you’re an addict of alcohol or cigarettes, and you have that itch, and you’re like, I just need the one smoke, the one drink, and then you have that one thing, you scratch that itch, you’ve scratched that itch and now you want more.
That metaphor comes from an actual place which is when you have an allergy and you have a giant urticaria somewhere and you scratch it because it itches and it feels good temporarily, it’s going to feel so much fucking goddamned worse, and you can’t believe how much worse it’s going to feel.
I will say the one good thing about having an allergy is, it taught me extreme willpower. And I’m not saying like everyone should have to go through this. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I’m saying for me, it taught me willpower because I couldn’t have Coca-Cola which I loved and Nana’s iced tea which I loved and chocolate bars which I loved and cocoa which I loved and coffee which I loved. I couldn’t have any caffeine for seven years and so it’s taught me discipline. I mean I was already a pretty disciplined person, but that made me like OCD disciplined, because if you have just a little bit of something, it’s really going to fuck you up, and it’s going to go, arg, like pow, kaplooey, like, fuck you. It sucks.
Oh and the other willpower part is, you learn to not scratch your itches.
Oh so the point I was getting at is, I woke up this morning and I had these dark circles under my eyes, and it’s not just like oh, it’s also like oh!
But now I’m walking around and I’ve got a look and it seems to be getting better, it seems to be getting better, it’s going down. The human body is so amazing.
Look how beautiful I am. Wow I look so good. Wow. I’m so beautiful! Man, it’s really nice being this beautiful, I have to say.
And that’s it for today. That is my tale of joy and woe about allergies. I love you unconditionally just like I love myself unconditionally. I hope you’re having the best day of your life.