When am I going to be good enough?


I woke up this morning and I thought about all the different ways I don’t feel good enough for people.

I don’t feel good enough for myself.

I’m always trying to improve myself so that I can be loved or valuable.

I feel like if I just lose enough weight then I’ll be valuable enough to date.

If I just get the right job, I’ll be valuable enough to be loved and worthy of love.

And if I just do this and I just do that — if I just do all these things with my life, and I make myself better, and I’m always improving, and I’m always making my life a little bit better, and I’m always making myself better, and if I can just tell a joke better, if I can just fit my clothes a little better, if I’m just prettier …

When am I gonna be good enough?

I’m always thinking about:

When am I gonna be good enough for family? For friends? For lovers?

And I’m not talking about anybody specifically right here. If anybody who personally knows me thinks this is an attack on them, it is not.

It’s the opposite.

This is all in my head.

It’s like I never feel worthy enough.

Do you know how much I’ve accomplished in my life?

I’ve accomplished so much goddamned shit in my life.

First of all, you don’t have to accomplish everything in life to be worthy of things.

We’re all worthy of love.

Even piece-of-shit Donald Trump is worthy of love, that piece of shit.

All these pieces of shit you know and don’t like — they all are worthy of love too.

We’re all worthy of love.

But let’s just put that aside for a second and say we’re not all worthy of love from scratch, even though we are, just for an experiment.

Do you know how much I’ve done and accomplished in one life?

Do you know how much good shit I’ve done? Do you know how nice I’ve been?

I was a good boy as a child, and I’ve been a good boy as an adult.

I always feel like it’s never enough.

I feel like no matter what I do, it’s never enough.

I’m just never enough for anybody, starting with myself.

And it’s fucking exhausting.

I read the news and I go, “Well how can I be a better this, and how can I be a better at that?”

And I’m always reading these self-improvement things.

“How can I get thinner? How can I be nicer? How can I be more loved and respected?”

And the thing is, this is all just goddamned garbage.

Why can’t I just be myself?

I’m a good person. Why can’t that be enough? It’s frustrating.

And then I think about how I’m a result. I’m a result of all this stuff in my life.

I’m a result of my reactions to life, basically. I’m a result of everything.

I’m a result of my parents abandoning me and making me an orphan by their choice — not because they died, but because they thought I wasn’t worthy of their love or their time or their energy — so they left.

And then when I was a worker bee, I felt like I could win all these awards and shit, and it didn’t matter. It was always, “What are you doing for me tomorrow?”

And at the same time, I would have certain friends who would treat me like shit and treat me like I was just a fucking punchline.

And I’ve had lovers who cheated on me and lovers who treated me like garbage.

And I don’t feel like I did anything to deserve all that.

Nobody feels like they did anything to deserve anything.

Then you read the news and it’s like: Look how scary everything is.

And there’s all these versus.

Everything is versus.

Google vs. Apple.

Democrats vs. Republicans.

Your sports team vs. every other sports team.

Just millions of fucking goddamned things. Constantly. Everything is versus.

And the other thing I’ve been reading in the news is: Every goddamned story’s like,

“What’s wrong with you?”

“There’s something wrong with you. Here’s how to fix it. You’re a procrastinator. Here’s how to fix it. You’re fat. Here’s how to fix it. Your politics are wrong. Here’s how to fix it. Your this is wrong, your that is wrong. Everything is fucking wrong about you. All the fucking things are wrong.”

Why is everything always wrong with everybody?

Can this world just … can we all just treat each other like we’re not all fucking wrong?

Aren’t you sick of feeling like you’re fucking wrong?

Aren’t you fucking sick of feeling like the whole world is telling you you’re wrong?

Aren’t you sick of feeling like the result of a world telling you that you’re wrong?

Aren’t you sick of feeling like you’re the result of your own brain trying to fix what’s wrong with you, because everybody keeps telling you you’re wrong?

Well I’m here to tell you you’re not fucking wrong.

You and I might have completely different fucking political views, religious views, lifestyle views, and all this stuff.

But how about we have a truce?

I’ll stop telling you you’re fucking wrong and a piece of shit, if you stop telling me I’m wrong and a piece of shit, and maybe we can all just treat each other like we fucking are worth love and attention and kindness.

Can we all just treat each other with some decent fucking respect?

And love?

Unconditional love?

So you’re a right wing person and I’m a communist. You know what? I hereby tell you I’m in unconditional love with you just like I’m in unconditional love with me.

Even though I think your political opinions are whatever, if you’re right in front of me, I love you, and I respect you, let’s have fun, let’s have a beer, or coffee, or whatever the fuck you drink. Or let’s go play some games together.

Let’s just fucking be.

Let’s make the best of this goddamned time on this fucking earth.

And let’s try to not be overly responsive knee jerk reactionary wrong police judging everybody all the time on how wrong they are and posting online about, “Oh today here’s some idiot, and here’s this other idiot, and here’s this other idiot.”

Meanwhile, your friends are reading that going, “Well I do that sometimes, and I do that sometimes, so I guess you think I’m an idiot.”

The time for criticizing everybody for everything has gotta be over.

I’m gonna have some coffee.