There’s nothing to be anxious about


There’s nothing to be anxious about.

I woke up at four in the morning with my heart slightly racing from anxious dreaming which happens more often than I want so I laid there and devised a new strategy to tell myself, “there’s nothing to be anxious about, there’s nothing to be anxious about, there’s nothing to be anxious about,” and I put my head and body in sleep position again and repeated this mantra to myself out of kindness to myself who I love unconditionally until I fell asleep and later I woke up feeling calm and rational with no anxiety and no desperation and I feel like I’m inside the good me again with nothing to lose.

Can you spot the demographic Netflix is going for based on its top 10?

 


1 Virgin River (woman moves to rural America 🐴 🌳 🍹)

2 Never Have I Ever (chronicles of a schoolgirl πŸ‘§πŸΎ)

3 Twilight (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire πŸ§›‍♂️)

4 Manifest (special people have visions πŸͺ„)

5 Heist (true crime πŸ•΅️‍♀️)

6 Twilight New Moon (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire πŸ§›‍♂️)

7 Twilight Eclipse (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire πŸ§›‍♂️)

8 Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2 (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire πŸ§›‍♂️)

9 Gunpowder Milkshake (female assassins πŸ•΅️‍♀️)

10 Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire πŸ§›‍♂️)


I mean no disrespect to the demographic Netflix focuses on in the least. It’s just an observation and I have no ideas or conclusions about what Netflix’s business plan is about, but I’m fascinated by it, and curious how you feel about it. (I’m a watcher like you, not an insider.)

WHERE SHOULD I POST THIS: A SOCIAL MEDIA BREAKDOWN


Twitter: America’s 24/7 prison riot

Instagram: Where I look pretty

XVideos: The greatest thing that ever happens

Snapchat: Photo filters for photos no one ever sees

TikTok: Lipsync someone else’s joke to the same song they used when they stole the joke from someone else

YouTube: Incredible or boring videos made by nice people who seem just a little bit nervous

Facebook: Like a beautiful daily yearbook of our lives (if you block Trumpers) or a cesspool of scum and villainy (if you don’t)

Pinterest: Purses and dresses

Reddit: Like a weird dog’s dick 

Whatsapp: For people with lovers in Germany 

(User experience differs per person)


LISTEN TO THE SLEEPY SOUNDS OF RAIN IN BED WITH ME IN LAS VEGAS: AN HOUR OF AMBIENCE BY DOUGABLE


We need rain. We always need rain. But this was a rare confluence of things we don’t always get at once — massive heat (101), rain as heavy as other cities, our stupid winds, and that unlikeliest of sights … midnight lightning. What a weird summer we’re having.


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(the game dork llc + copyright + trademark = original content)


Do❤️gable

biopsy.


Ten days ago, I went to the dermatologist because it was time to get my regular check-up. I live in the desert and you know when you live in the desert in Las Vegas, you’re always on the lookout for changes in your skin.

So she looks at my head and she goes, everything looks great, is there anything you’ve seen on your body that has changed?

And I go, as a matter of fact I have this mole on the bottom of my foot, and she goes: What?! Let me see.

So I didn’t think anything of it, you know, I thought moles come and go all the time. So I pull up my foot and the dermatologist is looking at this foot and she goes, we’re going to do a biopsy on this. And I go, what!? I go, why don’t you just freeze it off? She goes, no we can’t just take that mole out because if it’s cancer then we’re gonna have to scoop a bigger …

My crazy ass alarmism mind is going like, she’s going to take a huge chunk out of my foot, this is terrible.

So the nurse comes in and the nurse has this fucking needle, and she takes this syringe that has the numbing agent in it and she brings it up to my foot and then she starts to stick it into my foot, and I said, owww.

And I pulled my foot away and then she goes, can you please try not to do that because you could injure both of us, which I knew but it was so painful. It was not as painful as when I got my nipples pierced but it was in the realm.

She said, look we need to get this into your foot. And I go, I know, I know … can I do it? If you give me the syringe I’ll do it, like, I’ll feel like I have control over the situation. She goes, no no no I have to do it because this is a professional office.

So I grab my foot and I’m holding it like I’ve kidnapped it. And then she comes in with that needle … and it’s just so fucking painful. It was so painful. I can’t imagine giving birth. All of you out there who have given birth and broken bones and shit, phew, I don’t even know how you do it.

So the nurse finishes numbing my foot and then she leaves, and then the dermatologist comes in and she takes a little chunk out of my foot, but I don’t feel it because my foot is numb. And then I go, hey can I run later on the treadmill? And she goes, how much later? And I said, four hours. And she’s like, ummm.

So she says, we’re gonna send off this little chunk of your foot somewhere and then we’re gonna have some people look at it to see if you have cancer or something. And I’m like, this sounds more serious than I thought.

So then I come home and then I wait and then I try to do a little jog and it was a little painful but I put on some flat shoes and I was able to do this little jog for two miles, and I thought, I seem to have withstood this biopsy, all clear.

So the next day I get up and I’m like, oh my foot hurts a little bit but I need to get on the treadmill because I am a workout-aholic. So I go to the gym in my house and I get on my treadmill and I’m like, hey I can handle this, I’m a big boy. And I do this two-mile jog, and then I get off the treadmill.

And then a couple of hours pass and my foot feels like it has the Grand Canyon in it and the Grand Canyon is made out of nerve endings that people are jumping up and down on with little spikes and jamming little devil forks into every single little nerve ending.

So they’re jamming my nerve endings, I’ve got my foot raised, I put an ice pack on it, I did all the things you’re supposed to do for this kind of painful situation.

And then a day passed and I could barely leave my bed, and then a second day passed and I could barely leave my bed.

Meanwhile, I’m making videos for this channel and then posting them and distributing them and the whole thing, you know, and I love that, I was loving my work but I was wanting to get out of the house and go to this new hotel in town and do some video on that. But I’ve been stuck in bed because I have this nerve ending ouchiepalooza right in the center of my left foot. 

So day two comes, and then day three, and then day four, and it’s like, am I ever gonna be able to walk on this foot again? I was like, fuck I need to figure out how long this is going to last, so I did what every American does, I googled, what is the scariest thing that can happen from a foot biopsy?

So I end up on the Mayo clinic page or one of these pages, some real health agency, and they’re like, this can last for weeks. Fuck.

So the last 10 days, I’ve been hobbling around like that little guy who wants the ring in the Lord of the Rings, you know the guy with no fur and no hair or whatever that guy’s name is.

I mean, I love life and I love being alive so one of the reasons I go to the dermatologist on a regular basis, as suggested, is just to make sure I can live forever. But every now and then, I was like, I wonder if this is going to turn out to be cancer, that would be terrible, and I wouldn’t even know how to begin to deal with that, I’ve certainly known people with cancer, and I know that it’s a lot to go through, and you’re a real warrior when you go through it, like, cancer is the worst fucking thing, and the people who go through it are the most incredible people. It’s just like … shit.

So the dermatologist said one of two things was going to happen, you’re going to get a call from a nurse who tells you you don’t have cancer, or you’re going to get a call from me the doctor, who tells you you do have cancer.

So just a few minutes ago, just before I started filming this video, the phone rang. And I looked at it, and then I listened.

Was it the nurse or the doctor?

And what I hear …

Is the nurse, and there’s nothing going on with this mole.

And you know I didn’t even think about how much this was going to impact me when I got the call.

I just kept putting it out of my head and putting it out of my head, thinking, this is not going to be anything, this is not gonna be anything, and I know I was just reassuring myself of some horrible doubts, and it turned out that …

It was OK.

So in the end, the story I’m telling you is just a simple story of someone who went to the doctor and had a biopsy and the biopsy turned out to be fine.

But when you take that story. And you feel every minute of 10 days, it builds up, and then it gets to you, because you think about your mortality, and you think about all the people you’ve lost to cancer, and you think about the people you didn’t lose to cancer, and you think about when is cancer ever going to be fucking cured, and will it be cured in my lifetime? Will I get to see it cured?

I know this is a cliched thing to say but I really do feel grateful every day.

When I was in my 20s, I wasn’t super grateful about being alive, I mean I just sort of took it for granted. I was very happy to be alive and it wasn’t like I was throwing my life away, I had a really good time my 20s, I had the whole thing, love and marriage and work and friends and skiing, I really lived it up.

And then as life went on, every day you wake up you’re like, I’m so fucking grateful that I can get up out of bed!

Even when I was hobbling around the house these past 10 days, I have this same motto going through my head which is, it’s better than nothing, it’s better than being in the dirt, this is better than nothing.

I’d rather feel the pain from the bottom of my foot and I would rather be waiting for a phone call from a nurse or a doctor for 10 days with all of that suspense. I’m just so fucking grateful to be in this fucking world as fucked up as it is.

I always have this motto in my head which is, it’s better than nothing. And I know that sounds bleak to some extent but it’s not to me, to me it’s very hopeful, it’s like I know I can crawl out of this, I know I can pull myself out of this fucking hole, I will move forward.

And I’m not saying anybody else has to be that way. I’m telling you my story and my story today is that I woke up, it’s been 10 days, I thought I might get this call today, I tried not to think about it, I get the call, and here we are.

And either way, it’s a beautiful day.

So I wanna tell you thank you very much, I love you with all of my heart, and I hope you’re making the best day of your life. 


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#dermatology #biopsy #vlog


(the game dork llc + copyright + trademark = original content)


Do❤️gable

Netflix’s Too Hot To Handle is creepy and shames sex and masturbation



Hey have you seen this creepy show on Netflix called Too Hot To Handle? It’s a show where the voiceover narrator boasts that they lied to contestants who are super beautiful and self identify as sluts, and they go like, oh you can come on this island and you’ll be there with all these other sexy people. But once the sexy contestants get there and they get all ROWR, the show tells them, you can’t have sex and you can’t kiss and you can’t masturbate and you can’t have oral sex and you can’t have anal sex, you can’t have any sex for weeks on end.

First of all, this is not very good for the human system, the human body needs to have things happen, it can’t just shut the fuck down, that’s not healthy.

Aside from that, let me tell you why this is a fucking creepy ass show. It’s creepy because you go, well how are they going to enforce people not having sex? It’s pretty simple to do, you have cameras everywhere, you even have cameras right on their genitals. This is not a close-up I made, this is a close-up screenshot from the show. They’re like, awww look at this, oh look over here, look at this!

So the show is a hypocrite, they’re like, hey you can’t have any sexual activity but we’re going to profit off of your sexuality, we’re gonna super just completely exploit the fuck out of you. And you’re like, but Doug this is just a close-up of their crotches, right? Wait, hold on, heyyy, exploitation of a guy who’s naked with his butt hanging out!

Now I’m all for self exploitation, the guy signed on the dotted line, he knows the cameras are there, he takes his pants off, that’s fine with me, that’s great, except for the fact that he’s kept from having sexual activity for the time he’s here.

You’re probably like, why don’t they just masturbate and fuck in the showers? Oh because there are cameras in the showers as you can tell here, and here.

So then you’re probably thinking like, well they probably masturbated in the bathroom right? No. These crazy producers hired what they called pervy producers or pervy assistants — and they go, ha ha no, we’re joking — but really we had people sitting outside the bathrooms listening to the heavy breathing of people while they’re on the toilet to make sure they aren’t masturbating and having heavy breathing on the toilet! Are you telling me someone can’t be in the bathroom masturbating and like somehow covering up their breath?

So meanwhile, there is a voiceover narrator and this woman is always reading these lines written for her, or maybe she’s writing them I don’t know, but the lines sound like someone from the 1800s or some Victorian era prude is like, oh my God how dare this person kiss them? And, oh my god you’re getting very close to kissing or something. And it’s like, man what the fuck kind of prude ass are you? Shut the fuck up.

You can’t simultaneously go like, hey viewer check out this sexy person, and at the same time be like, this sexy person is disgusting for wanting to have sex. Like what kind of mixed message bullshit is this, you stupid fucking asshole piece of shit show?

Do you see this guy? They’re constantly on this guy‘s ass because he’s wanting to get it on, because he’s like 20 or 21 or something, and he’s sexy and he’s horny, you know, like here he is naked, so the show is like, hey check out this naked guy… who can’t masturbate!

So you’re like, what’s the stick and carrot for the show? The carrot is, at the end of season one they divided the remnants of $100,000 among a bunch of people who got to the end so each contestant got an extra 10 grand on top of whatever salary they got for being on this show. So if you are a super hot model type person, the question is, can you go like three weeks or however many weeks they went on this tropical island with other beautiful people, mostly naked all of the time, and not have any sexual congress for like 10 grand? Is it worth 10 grand? This would be an interesting question if it weren’t so fucking creepy.

So how intrusive was the show? Here is a couple having oral sex and they were caught on this camera. And then the next day, they were like, we’re going to deduct so many thousands of dollars from the grand prize pool which we’re gonna spread out among like eight or 10 people or whatever it was. So like this blowjob cost this couple, I don’t know, a few hundred bucks? Like, it seemed kind of worth it to me.

So you’re probably like, the season two people probably saw the first season of Too Hot To Handle and they knew what they were getting themselves into when they signed up for the show. No. They were lied to. They were told they were going to be in this show called Parties in Paradise. So they go, ha ha you’re gonna be in this show called Parties in Paradise and you’re going to be on this island with a lot of hot people and have lots of sex, so in their minds the contestants were probably like, oh my God you know I’m going to be on this island with all of these beautiful people. They had no idea they were going to be told they had to be chaste for weeks on end or they were going to lose some prize and get thrown off some show. And people do get thrown off the show if they don’t take the show seriously.

Let me tell you what this crazy show does to people. One of the things it does is it makes the women look at their vaginas and their vulvas in these mirrors, so the show is like, you can’t have sex and you can’t masturbate and you can’t kiss and you can’t have oral sex or we’re going to deduct money from you, but we’re going to film you looking at your vulva and inside your vagina on camera.

What drives me crazy about this is, there’s a thing TV news used to do a lot of back in the old days. They would go like, here’s a bunch of sexy stuff that we’re showing you and we disapprove of it, but we’re going to profit off of it, and this is exactly what this show is doing. They’re like, oh look at these dumb ass sluts that we’re trying to fix their lives by making them not be so sexual anymore, but look at them and see how beautiful they are and make sure you’re subscribed to Netflix and give us that money, money for naked people who we won’t let fuck.

I mean, look how beautiful these people are. Look at these fine specimens of sexual beings. This guy says the thing he’s most proudest of his dick, it is comparable in size to this air freshener can, so this beautiful guy with this giant tool is supposed to keep it under wraps for three or four weeks or however long they film this fucking show for, give me a fucking break.

Oh and here’s the other disgusting thing about the fucking show. Whenever anybody breaks the fucking rules, the voiceover narrative goes, tsk tsk tsk don’t you know you’re costing your team money? And it’s like, a kiss costs $3,000 so when someone breaks the rules the show voiceover is like, money is everything, kissing sucks, sex sucks, do everything for money! This is what Netflix represents with this show.

Now am I going to keep watching it? Yeah. I’m going to put it on in the background and put the volume down, put some music on or something like that, I used to watch Charmed like that.

If there’s one reason I’m glad I watched the show it is to see this woman Chloe, Chloe is like a female Russell Brand, she’s hot, she’s sexy, she’s dumb. I hope she’s in every reality show for the next five years. She is great.

So if you watch this show, I don’t really blame you, because everybody’s really pretty, but what I recommend is you turn the volume down because when you’re fucking listening to them talk, they don’t say a lot of interesting things, and the other thing is the voiceover narrative is fucking god awful, they’re always like tsk tsk tsk I can’t believe you kissed that person, you just cost everybody some money.

And the bullshit reason they give these contestants for not having sex is they go, we’re trying to make you more complete people who don’t just think about sex but you think about love and connections. But the producers told the media the reason they came up with the show is because they saw the masturbation episode of Seinfeld, the episode where there was a financial incentive for whoever masturbated last. They wanted to do a beautiful show with beautiful people on a beach, set to this idea from Seinfeld. But when you’re watching the show, they’re like, we’re trying to make you feel bonded.

So I’m sure you’re like, why are you sticking up for a bunch of hot people on an island? You know why? Because I am the spokesperson for hot people who want to have sex. So on a scale from 1 to 5, I will give this show 2 stars.

Thanks everybody, I love you, I hope you’re making the best day of your life.


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#sex #masturbation #NetlixsTooHotToHandleIsCreepy


(the game dork llc + copyright + trademark = original content)


Do❤️gable

Possibly terrible advice from Dr. Love Doug (don’t follow this advice)

Hey everybody, you know back during quarantine, 1 million years ago, we were all doing stuff with our lives online that we don’t want anybody to know about. Well, one of the things I did online, I want everybody to know about, and it has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with this degree that I earned. It cost me $30, I took a long five-click course to get this doctorate, and when it arrived in the mail I thought, my mom was so stupid going to college all those years to get a doctorate.

It is official, I am a doctor of divinity, and my name is Dr. Love Doug. I am going to do my first Dear Dr. Love Doug questions. That’s right, I am also an advice columnist named Dr. Love Doug. Let’s look at the first questions that have come in.

I’m stupid.

Dear Dr. Love Doug, my husband masturbates to porn by himself in his man cave. I masturbate in the bathtub like a civilized lady. We’ve been married nine years. Is the sex over?

Well let me tell you what. What you want to do is start masturbating together, you want to get in the same room. If you prefer the tub, then invite your lover into the bathroom to watch you masturbate and maybe they can even masturbate while you’re masturbating. And then that way, it’s a bonding.

Then when he’s masturbating in the man cave, maybe you could hire somebody to clean it up, no that’s a bad idea. Why don’t you clean it up or … no that puts all the power in his hands. Go buy a whip and go to him and, !whip!, and then go: You need to go clean up that man cave so I can watch you masturbate in here.

Man, if you tell your lover you want to watch them masturbate, they will enjoy that so much, and if they don’t then they are hiding something. So the thing is, y’all want to watch each other orgasm every day. That is the key to a good relationship. If that’s during sex, butt sex, oral, if it’s mutual masturbation, you guys are a couple, you need to orgasm together frequently, and that will create a bond.

In fact, in science, there’s this thing called oxytocin. And oxytocin is not OxyContin. Oxytocin is a chemical inside men’s and women’s brains and when you have an orgasm, that oxytocin transfers between you. There have been studies that have shown when women masturbate to their computers and then have orgasms in front of their computers, they exchange oxytocin with their laptops and they fall in love with their laptops. And the same thing’s going on with dudes.

There’s a reason you got together in the first place and that’s so you could share orgasms. If your relationship isn’t about romance or sentimentality or any of that stuff, you’re in a relationship with a friend, man. The key to a happy romantic relationship is orgasming in front of each other, I would say once a day, but that’s probably too much for some people. Some people just want to have like an orgasm every one to four days or every other day. Some people want four to six orgasms a day. Whatever the number is, you need to orgasm in front of each other and share that oxytocin so you can stay in love, man. Like in romantic love!

Second question for Dr. Love Doug.

Dear Dr. Love Doug, my partner puts the toilet paper on the wrong way, should I get rid of them and not be in a relationship with them anymore?

Let me tell you what, I have thought about this for years because every relationship Dr. Love Doug has been in has had a little bit of a toilet paper component in it because sometimes Dr. Love Doug’s partners want to put the toilet paper on so it cascades under, I put it over, and there is no right and wrong in this scenario.

The best way to get around this toilet paper issue is go get yourself a second roller, put it up next to the other roller, that way you’ve got one toilet paper coming over, one toilet paper going down in the back, that way one is right for each of you and one is wrong for each of you, and then you can be happy together in your toilet paper life and have perspective on love is more important than toilet paper.

Question number three for Dr. Love Doug.

Dear Dr. Love Doug, is it OK for me to cut my toenails in front of my partner in the living room?

Hey, hey, hey, no! Do not do that, it is gross. You want to cut your toenails and your fingernails in a restroom, a bathroom, a water closet, whatever it is that people call your bathroom over the centuries, that’s where you need to cut your nails, preferably you don’t let them get on the floor or on the counter or anything like that. Then if they do, clean it up, throw it away, try to be considerate, would you want toenails flying in your face? No.

That is all for today with Dr. Love Doug. If you have any questions for Dr. Love Doug, put them in the comment section. Plus I don’t mean for this sexy nun costume to be insulting to people of religions. I promise. I just like it, I think I look good in it. And I thought about all the different costumes I wanted to wear and honor, and I think this is the best outfit in all of religion, is sexy nun. If you are upset with this sexy nun representation, please tell me, I love my friends very much and above all I don’t want to hurt any of my friends’ feelings, I promise. Oh you know when this came in the mail, I thought, oh I’m not gonna look good in that, but then I put it on, man, I like it, I might just walk around the house in this, you might see me in the grocery store with this.

I love you, I hope you’re making the best day of your life.



Sex work is what I wanted to do but I became a journalist and now I wonder if I chose wrong (confessional)


When I was 17 or 18 years old, I was a stripper for like, I don’t know, a month or something like that. I went to this bar with a fake ID that I bought for like 25 bucks or 50 bucks from a friend of mine who looked like me but he had brown eyes. By the way, I was in Athens, Georgia, and I was going to the University of Georgia.

Anyway so I go to the bar and this bar, turns out, has a stripper contest, like a strip contest for men, so I was like, I’ll do that. I’m like, oh my God I can win 100 bucks or 1,000 bucks or some amount of money that I didn’t have as a college kid.

So I enter this contest, did all these dances and shit, I learned how to do all this stripper-sexy-male-dancer bullshit, they call my name on the dance floor and I go out there and do all this dancing and stripping, and everybody’s like, woohoo. And then there were some other contestants and then this big giant beefy gym rat guy comes, Schwarzenegger type, he just comes in there and he’s all like, look at my big square monster body. (I don’t mean monster in a bad way, every body is beautiful.)

So he takes off his clothes but he’s standing in one spot. He is what we would call back in the day, musclebound, he couldn’t move anything, he didn’t do any yoga, he didn’t stretch, he looks like the Hulk, he looks like just a bunch of octagon stone pieces are glued together.

So then they announce the results and they go, in fifth place, fourth place, third place, and then it’s between me and this big giant, big mountain man, and the big mountain man won, even though I’m better at taking stuff off, who gives a fuck about that, this guy had like, rawr aargh.

But the best part of this experience was yet to come because I was offered money to go strip in women’s houses and I was like, OK that sounds fantastic, I’m still poor. So one of these women who paid me to go over to her house, I get there, it’s the same thing, I take my clothes off slowly, I do the moves, I get down to these fantastically gold underwear (they might have been my sister’s).

I don’t know if you can imagine what the scene was, but it was a lot like, RAWR, RAWR, RAWR, it was very RAWRY. So then this woman goes, come with me, and I gotwith her, I didn’t know what was gonna happen, I thought I was going to get my money, I did get my money, you know, hundreds and hundreds of dollars, and she shut the doors, and I’m like, what’s about to happen? I thought, am I about to get murdered? Man, I was so stupid when I was a teenager, I thought she was gonna murder me.

And she says, come with me, and she puts me in the bed and I’m laying down, and I’ve got my performative underwear on, and I’m laying there and she goes, RAWR, and then she’s like, I’ll give you this many hundreds of dollars for sex and I’m like, what? I thought we were just going to have sex. And she’s like, no you’re like a college student, you shouldn't be doing this for no-money, you should be doing this for money. Like, she was really going to pimp me out. Like, I was flattered. When people hit on me very hard or very light or very medium or offer me money, I’m flattered, so if any of you guys wanna offer me money for sex …

OK so then I’m like, you’re gonna give me all this money that I could use for my college books and tuition and blah blah blah, you know that would be amazing, I would really like that, I was really into this idea, but I also have this thing in my head which is, if I do this I will not be able to run for president someday.

At this point, I mean, I’m a stripper and I’m in a strange bed in a strange house, and a beautiful woman who I wanted to be with romantically anyway is demanding I take a bunch of money and then she drops another bomb … She’s married! This is probably the real reason for the money, because if she gives me money then she can control this relationship.

So you’re thinking like, Doug, you’re 17 or 18 years old and you’re stupid so of course you took that money and slept with that married woman, and the answer is … I … did … not! I did not! I had an ex who had cheated on me and I didn’t like the way it felt so when that happened I was like, I am never going to make someone feel like this, so I didn’t.

And this woman can’t fucking believe that. She’s probably never had anybody say no to her in her life and here’s some kid, some college kid, saying no with money attached.

So I barely get out of there alive, I mean, emotionally. And I’m driving home because I’m excited because I stripped and everybody was excited about that and then I get this offer for sex, so I’m driving my shitty 1974 Dodge Colt Station Wagon back to my apartment, and I’m thinking like, am I ever gonna be able to turn down this money ever again. No!

So I have a choice before me, I can either become a sex worker or I’m not gonna strip anymore because it’s going to lead to sex and money for sex, which is going to turn me into a sex worker, which I don’t have a moral problem with, my entire life including currently I am very pro sex worker, I think sex workers should be legal all over the world and especially in America and certainly here in Las Vegas.

But when I was driving home, there weren’t any cyber sex workers yet, it was all person-to-person, a lot more dangerous fun than anything else. I was pretty turned on by it, I was like, huh I could be a sex worker, this sounds amazing, I could just strip and get with people for cash and become a millionaire in a couple of years and never have to work again.

But on the other hand, what if I become a white-collar worker, is this going to get in the way of my life? So I certainly wasn’t feeling shame, I wasn’t worried about how I felt about sex work, I thought it was great, I worried how potential employers might view how I had been a sex worker.

So I told myself, no more of this stripping. And it was legitimately the hardest career choice of my life because to be a sex worker, to get that validation, you know, it felt tremendous when people are clawing at your body and you’re me and you have whatever complex I have where you want strangers like clawing at you, that was very fulfilling to me. So as you know, I ended up in journalism, and I’ve had a tremendous career so far and it’s still going on, but there is one thing I’m gonna say about my journalism career in regard to the stripping and the sex work which is, some years later I am working at a newspaper, I worked at 10 newspapers for hundreds of editors, so I had this one editor and they were saying like, hey the Marketing staff wants to put together a thing on you so why don’t you write up something about your past, and in that little thing I wrote that ran (it’s called a house ad in newspapers), it had my name and had my face and then I had some bullet points, like my first job was at Burger King or whatever. But one of the bullet points I had in there was I had been a stripper as a teenager, I had been a teenage stripper. So I thought that would be great marketing like, hey let’s check out this cute guy who writes for the newspaper and used to be a stripper, you never know what he’s gonna say, he may talk about his stripping.

But nope, that editor was like, no no no, we are a family respectable place and we can’t have strippers working here, and I’m like, well guess what, you’ve got a stripper working here. I was literally one driving decision away from becoming a full-blown sex worker and making millions of dollars. But instead I decided to go into this public service of journalism and what did journalism do? They were like, whatever you do, do not let your personality out. Now of course, everybody’s got a personality in journalism and I think that’s great, I want to know where my journalists’ backgrounds are.

The reason I wanted to tell this story today is because I’ve been thinking lately, and certainly the last year in America, I wonder if I should go into sex work at my age with my gray hair because there’s a niche for everything. It’s not like I want to make a lot of money. The thing that’s alluring to me about sex work is the idea it would validate who I am, it would be emotionally fulfilling to be wanted by strangers because this is how I’ve always been.

So I want to tell you exactly the mindset I was coming from. So let me tell you my clichΓ©d origin story for why I wanted to be a sex worker and why still in the back of my mind I wanna be a sex worker. Even if I’m 90 I will still want to be on OnlyFans or whatever, 3-D porn, mental mind Hypnosis porn that I’m gonna be in when I’m 92 years old and pretending to be a teenager.

But what you need to know for this particular story is, I was abandoned by my dad, and then I was abandoned by my mom, and my mom popped back in, and then she abandoned me again. And I was raised by my siblings and my friends and my grandma, Nana. My parents took off. They had decided they wanted to go live their own lives, separately, they were divorced, one was like I want to go live this like, and the other one was like I wanna go live this life, and both of them were like, we don’t want anything to do with you three kids.

Now fortunately I was never bullied as a child at school, I was always really embraced at school, so I was very fortunate to go to a great high school, but I went to four elementary schools, two middle schools, and one high school. so I went to a lot of schools, I was thrown around a lot, I was tossed around a lot of different states and cities, so what this means is, I didn’t have any roots, with my mom and my dad, and my brother and sister were older and took off, they were much older than me, so they weren’t even around large chunks of my childhood.

So I’m very grateful to my siblings and my Nana and my friends for helping to raise me, and teachers and other adults, and my friends’ families. But by the time that whole stripping sex work money scenario presented itself, it was just like, oh my God, somebody wants me! Because as a kid, I felt like nobody really wanted me. My friends did, sometimes my siblings did or whatever, but there was no mom or dad, and it’s impossible to replace that. So every single day of my childhood, I was like, my dad doesn’t want me, or my mom doesn’t want me, or they both don’t want me.

I am unwanted.

There is no fucking worst feeling in the fucking world than feeling unwanted. It’s the worst. But you know who wants you are people giving you money to strip and have sex with them. Oh my god that sounded amazing like not only did these people want me, but they want to pay for me in a way that my parents don’t. I needed a coat once, I had no coat, I was in Athens Georgia, I was fucking freezing. I got a message to my mother who was in another city managing a rock band and months go by and she deigns to bring me this big giant puffy horrible white coat that made me look like Nanook of the North, it was all puffy, like I looked like what was called the Michelin man but it was white. I needed a medium and she got me an extra large, so it was huge, and I go, why did you …

And it was cheap, like she got the cheapest coat in the world, because she was giving all the money she was making to the band that she was managing. When I am getting at is, I am a street urchin.

So imagine that psyche. If you’re going to write a psych eval on me and say why would this guy who’s had this great journalism career and still does, why would he ever have wanted to have rather been a sex worker?

I’ve loved my journalism career, please don’t get me wrong, it’s been amazing, I’ve met Prince and I’ve been blessed by Stevie Wonder and I won awards, I’ve been on Good Mormimg America and Marketplace, I played myself on Sharknado 4, and one of the great things about journalism is, you do get feedback because you’re in the public domain.

What I will say is that if you’ve ever done sex work and enjoyed it, that’s me. There are a lot of people who enjoy sex work. So for the last year or so I’ve been thinking like, maybe I should be a sex worker because it was super fun and it would be great to do it again, especially at my age, I’m not 17 or 18 years old, I think I would really enjoy it.

But now one of the reasons I’m not gonna become a sex worker at this age is because I’m doing these videos now, and I’m not trying to give you a reason to keep watching these videos like, hey if you don’t watch the videos I’m going to become an OnlyFans performer, a professional masturbator. I mean can you imagine that kind of manipulation?

So these video columns are now one of the things stopping me from starting an OnlyFans site or becoming like an in-person escort. A lot of times, I’m like, Doug, don’t get in another relationship, become an escort and take money to go with people, places, and then go back to their houses! And do things with them!

Now another thing is, I know a lot of you are like, Doug how come you haven’t grown out of this? Some things you just don’t grow out of, but some things you grow into.

Anyhow, that is my tale of joy and woe today, I love you, I hope you’re making this the best day of your life.

outtakes + stripper restaurant idea


 If you own a restaurant, I have an idea for you and it is to combine the strip club experience with eating. I know this is going to sound bizarre to you but hear me out, have an open mind.

You go into a restaurant as a customer, once your food is ready, super attractive people come out to your table and then they sit down, and with their left hand they sort of stroke your head, and they’re like stroking you, giving little light touches. And with the right hand, they put the food on the table and they’re kind of rubbing the food on your lips and then feeding you the food very seductively.

I think that would be a very good restaurant. I know a lot of you are germaphobes and you’re so worried. Now that we’ve gone through this shit in America, you’re like, aw man that will never fly because we can’t all touch each other anymore. This can be worked out.

You know, you just have super clean workers, they’re very attractive, they wear very nice clothes, and they wear blue clubs. And the thing is, you as the customer, you have to watch your ass because if you go to a strip club and you start getting handsy with like the strippers and then the bouncers see you, they will throw your fucking ass out. So you don’t wanna be that fucking person, it’s fucking nasty anyway. All the power is in the hands of the people who work there.

The point of all this is to make, like, the customer feel like royalty. I’m not saying you could charge that much because I really wouldn’t pay $100 for this service or anything crazy. It would be better on scale, like a large scale, like a fast food chain.

If Burger King had somebody who came and sat down next to me and then stroked me with one hand and then fed me with a second hand, man, I would be at Burger King a lot more than I am now.

And some of you are like, that sounds gross, Doug, I don’t like to be touched normally and I don’t like to be hugged. Well, that’s you.

A lot of us like to be touched a lot. And then some of you don’t want to ever be touched like this, especially by strangers. I could give a fuck about that.

I am like, the more strangers who touch me the better.


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