CONFESSION: $4 ice cream chocolate drizzle pancake cures loneliness

 So I found myself feeling uncharacteristically lonely last night on a Saturday night in the autumn of Las Vegas where October evenings darken and there’s an occasional chill but it is still quite warm and dry in this leftover box from summer and I didn’t know what to do with my lonesome self because it was too late to make a date and it was too late to crash into friends’ living rooms like a sitcom goofball and I didn’t want to go to a nightclub or a bar and I tried going to retail shops but they were closed and I didn’t want to go to the main retail store which was still open which was Walmart but not because I’m better than Walmart but I just didn’t feel like that mood of zombie so I sat in my eight-year-old electric Fiat clown car in a parking lot in front of TJ Maxx while adorable strangers ambled in front of me from left to right as seen through my windshield and so I just started driving and I thought of where I used to go in high school in the middle of the night to read and to feel fresh and grumpy and that place was IHOP and as it turns out there is an IHOP on the way home to my house from the closed retail stores so I pulled up to this alleged international house of pancakes and I put on my pandemic mask and I walked in and it was empty except for one table full of whispering family and the hostess walked me to a table where she was kind to me and I ordered decaffeinated coffee and iced water and this insane pancake ice cream chocolate drizzle item for four dollars off of the IHOP happy hour menu which surprised me because I didn’t know IHOP did happy hour but I was pretty happy about it during this hour of need which registered as a four on a scale of one to ten of neediness for human interaction and with each spoonful of scrumptious sugar delight my mind perked up like sprinkles glittering through my lightless sky until I finally felt not alone and I paid my small check and I left a five dollar tip which equaled the bill and I wrote a little nice note to the server and drew a happy smiley face and I drove home and plugged in my clown car and I walked in and took off all of my clothes and then put on my exercise clothes and got on the treadmill and I walked four miles like the body dysmorphic I am but I am pleased with myself that I did something with my loneliness and I’m sure physical trainers and dietitians would not be thrilled with my choice of ice cream pancake chocolate drizzle but that’s just too fucking bad because a little sugar served from a smiling stranger was just what the metaphorical doctor ordered 

Today’s Amazon Deals:

bye norm

 Before I got to talk to Norm here in Las Vegas, I was in Florida once and I didn’t see this one show he did at a private religious university but what I was told later was:

Norm was doing so badly with these religious students that he just said:

“You know, my contract says I have to stand up here for 45 minutes, so I’m just gonna stand here until 45 minutes are up.“

And then he looked at his watch and waited until the 45 minutes were up and then left.

That’s the way it was told to me by a publicist or somebody that was associated with that university, and I laughed and then I said:

“That Norm is a genius.”

And she goes:

“I had to walk around with him all day, I wouldn’t call him a genius.”

But I think that’s where a lot of people don’t totally get Norm’s genius. His genius was him being ridiculous. I think one of his albums was called “Ridiculous.”

I don’t think he made any bones about the fact he was ridiculous. Very often I don’t make any bones about being ridiculous. I enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like a performing monkey, and you know, that doesn’t feel super great. But I definitely feel ridiculous. So I love Norm.

Norm was my favorite “SNL” character of all time, and one of my all-time top five interviews. Over and over, we talked so many times.

And then all day today, I kept thinking:

“Should I do something about Norm? Should I do some kind of obituary type thing? Some type of remembrance?“

And I just felt like it would be wrong. I just kept thinking it would be wrong. But then I thought it would be my last chance to say:

Goodbye Norm.

You know, Norm Macdonald died today and we didn’t even know he was sick. He died of cancer. I’ve been gutted all day by it. I kept thinking I’m just gonna do some work.

And you know, it’s fucking weird when famous people die and you feel effected. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

But the thing with Norm is, I talked to him a bunch. And I’m not saying I was his best friend or whatever, or one of his poker buddies. I never hung out with him and played poker or did anything. He didn’t drink or do drugs, that’s what he said, I guess he was telling the truth.

He was a real sweetheart guy.

One time I was talking to this guy who started a charity, and I said how did you start the charity? And he said: I moved to Los Angeles, and I was rolling around in my wheelchair, and I was going down this one street, and I saw Norm Macdonald, and I ran into him, and I said, Norm I’ve always wanted to be in entertainment, can you get me into entertainment? And Norm goes, no I can’t get you in but I’ll give you somebody who can.

And Norm hooked up this random guy who ran into him in a wheelchair with Sam Simon of “The Simpsons,” one of the greatest show producers of all time, and probably my favorite interview I ever did with anybody that was in charge of shows, Sam Simon was incredible. And then Sam helped that guy in the wheelchair create this charity. And that charity would come to Vegas every year and they would raise money for this charity.

And then Norm would go. And one time, the guy in the wheelchair who started that charity was sitting next to Norm and Norm goes, “Hey I’m gonna go to the bathroom” or something, and then said “here watch my money, here’s my chips.” And the guy in the wheelchair who started the charity, Jacob Zalewski, lost a lot of this money and then Norm came back and said, “Hey! You lost my money!”

But Norm didn’t care. Norm told me once that every time he came to Vegas he would win a bunch of money or lose a bunch of money, but one time he was up $186,000 and then it was time for him to go get a plane. So he took that money, he took the chips, he took $186,000 in chips off the table, he was playing table games, he sticks it in his luggage, and then he flies to Los Angeles, puts the chips in the freezer, $186,000 in gambling chips, in a freezer in Norm Macdonald’s house in Los Angeles.

And then he quit playing table games, he claimed, for 2 1/2 years. But then I talked to him after that and he said:

“Ah I’ve got all these chips in my freezer so I guess the next time I go back to Vegas, I guess I’m just going to gamble!“

Norm told my very favorite Las Vegas joke. He goes:

“If you’re the prettiest woman in Des Moines Iowa, they’ll build a statue in your honor. But if you move to Las Vegas, you’re a cocktail waitress.“

And that’s not a joke against Des Moines or Iowa or cocktail waitresses or any of that. The joke is very contextual to Las Vegas which is, if you go to Encore Beach Club or someplace like that in Las Vegas, the women are the most beautiful people you’ve ever seen in your entire life. I was at Encore once in the VIP section, I’m not trying to brag that’s just where I was, and the entirety of Victoria’s Secret models came in and I saw Victoria’s Secret models being served by the cocktailers … who were way hotter than the Victoria’s Secret models. That’s how pretty women are in Vegas. So that’s my favorite Las Vegas joke, this Des Moines Iowa joke that Norm Macdonald told.

I’m sure Norm would probably be upset that I’m even telling you why the joke is funny, but you kinda have to know Vegas. He told that joke to me, or an audience in Vegas, and Vegas people knew what was going on.

I never asked Norm about his dating life or any of that stuff. I don’t know why. I guess because Norm seemed so asexual in a way. I just never looked at him and thought, he really gets around. He had a kid so I guess he did. I don’t know. I don’t know who his person was.

Do you know what’s really crazy is, Norm told me once he doesn’t have a driver's license and he thought he would have one before his son but he didn’t. And someday he planned to get one but I don’t think he ever did. I think it was too late for him. My sister doesn’t have a driver's license either which I don’t understand. But Norm showed his green card because he’s from Canada.

So here’s Norm with no driver’s license and he gets a job on TV in ads promoting auto insurance.

And then after that he was in a movie with Dave Chapelle where he had to be in a car, it was a scene where he had to be in a car but he couldn’t drive. So they put him in the driver seat and they attached the car to a truck and the truck was pulling the car. So he was just sitting there at the steering wheel … and he fell asleep. And then the director didn’t even notice until they were looking at the dailies.

I love that Norm. I don’t know what else to say about Norm. I think it sucks that he’s dead and I hope we cure cancer at some point.

Funniest guy on “SNL.”

Not the most talented guy on SNL.

But the funniest.

Bye Norm.

Southern boy

 I grew up in the south but I don’t miss it because people weren’t very nice to me in the south by and large but I will take this moment to be positive and kind and tell you what I miss about the south which includes blue jean shorts and tank tops and bare feet and the beaches of Florida and tiki huts on those beaches where you drink beer from pitchers and eat fried foods out of cardboard boats and there’s no air-conditioning but you’re under the shady awning of tiki straw with your friends who might be smoking cigarettes in bikinis and board shorts and crop tops and flip-flops and beaded sandals and they’re not wearing much make-up and you’re listening to a local musician playing guitar and singing Margaritaville or Brown Eyed Girl but I also miss not caring about anything ever except hanging out with your friends and shooting the shit and coming up with stupid slang and saying things like how you just love Tracy to death but she’s a hard pill to swallow and I miss the yellow sun coming into your orange kitchen window with its shiny sundrops splashing across the green plants in your windowsill and I miss not caring about anything which I may have already mentioned and I miss running shoeless across green grass in fields around town where you go get high and throw Frisbee with your friends and dogs and you try not to step in dog shit and I miss some other stuff probably but that’s all that comes to mind right now and I’m going to give myself a little pat on the back for being positive about the south today because it is very easy for me to think about all the bad stuff but I’m gonna tell you something which is I am gonna just sit here for a second and close my eyes and picture me and my friends and lovers at a bar in a tiki hut and I can hear the waves of the water and I can hear when people on the sand hit their volleyball with the palms of their hands and I can hear the terrible comforting music and the drunk strangers who are almost naked and looking to score and I might be one of those people

There’s nothing to be anxious about

There’s nothing to be anxious about.

I woke up at four in the morning with my heart slightly racing from anxious dreaming which happens more often than I want so I laid there and devised a new strategy to tell myself, “there’s nothing to be anxious about, there’s nothing to be anxious about, there’s nothing to be anxious about,” and I put my head and body in sleep position again and repeated this mantra to myself out of kindness to myself who I love unconditionally until I fell asleep and later I woke up feeling calm and rational with no anxiety and no desperation and I feel like I’m inside the good me again with nothing to lose.

Can you spot the demographic Netflix is going for based on its top 10?


1 Virgin River (woman moves to rural America 🐴 🌳 🍹)

2 Never Have I Ever (chronicles of a schoolgirl 👧🏾)

3 Twilight (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

4 Manifest (special people have visions 🪄)

5 Heist (true crime 🕵️‍♀️)

6 Twilight New Moon (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

7 Twilight Eclipse (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

8 Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2 (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

9 Gunpowder Milkshake (female assassins 🕵️‍♀️)

10 Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

I mean no disrespect to the demographic Netflix focuses on in the least. It’s just an observation and I have no ideas or conclusions about what Netflix’s business plan is about, but I’m fascinated by it, and curious how you feel about it. (I’m a watcher like you, not an insider.)


Twitter: America’s 24/7 prison riot

Instagram: Where I look pretty

XVideos: The greatest thing that ever happens

Snapchat: Photo filters for photos no one ever sees

TikTok: Lipsync someone else’s joke to the same song they used when they stole the joke from someone else

YouTube: Incredible or boring videos made by nice people who seem just a little bit nervous

Facebook: Like a beautiful daily yearbook of our lives (if you block Trumpers) or a cesspool of scum and villainy (if you don’t)

Pinterest: Purses and dresses

Reddit: Like a weird dog’s dick 

Whatsapp: For people with lovers in Germany 

(User experience differs per person)


We need rain. We always need rain. But this was a rare confluence of things we don’t always get at once — massive heat (101), rain as heavy as other cities, our stupid winds, and that unlikeliest of sights … midnight lightning. What a weird summer we’re having.






#sleepy #sounds #rain

(the game dork llc + copyright + trademark = original content)



Ten days ago, I went to the dermatologist because it was time to get my regular check-up. I live in the desert and you know when you live in the desert in Las Vegas, you’re always on the lookout for changes in your skin.

So she looks at my head and she goes, everything looks great, is there anything you’ve seen on your body that has changed?

And I go, as a matter of fact I have this mole on the bottom of my foot, and she goes: What?! Let me see.

So I didn’t think anything of it, you know, I thought moles come and go all the time. So I pull up my foot and the dermatologist is looking at this foot and she goes, we’re going to do a biopsy on this. And I go, what!? I go, why don’t you just freeze it off? She goes, no we can’t just take that mole out because if it’s cancer then we’re gonna have to scoop a bigger …

My crazy ass alarmism mind is going like, she’s going to take a huge chunk out of my foot, this is terrible.

So the nurse comes in and the nurse has this fucking needle, and she takes this syringe that has the numbing agent in it and she brings it up to my foot and then she starts to stick it into my foot, and I said, owww.

And I pulled my foot away and then she goes, can you please try not to do that because you could injure both of us, which I knew but it was so painful. It was not as painful as when I got my nipples pierced but it was in the realm.

She said, look we need to get this into your foot. And I go, I know, I know … can I do it? If you give me the syringe I’ll do it, like, I’ll feel like I have control over the situation. She goes, no no no I have to do it because this is a professional office.

So I grab my foot and I’m holding it like I’ve kidnapped it. And then she comes in with that needle … and it’s just so fucking painful. It was so painful. I can’t imagine giving birth. All of you out there who have given birth and broken bones and shit, phew, I don’t even know how you do it.

So the nurse finishes numbing my foot and then she leaves, and then the dermatologist comes in and she takes a little chunk out of my foot, but I don’t feel it because my foot is numb. And then I go, hey can I run later on the treadmill? And she goes, how much later? And I said, four hours. And she’s like, ummm.

So she says, we’re gonna send off this little chunk of your foot somewhere and then we’re gonna have some people look at it to see if you have cancer or something. And I’m like, this sounds more serious than I thought.

So then I come home and then I wait and then I try to do a little jog and it was a little painful but I put on some flat shoes and I was able to do this little jog for two miles, and I thought, I seem to have withstood this biopsy, all clear.

So the next day I get up and I’m like, oh my foot hurts a little bit but I need to get on the treadmill because I am a workout-aholic. So I go to the gym in my house and I get on my treadmill and I’m like, hey I can handle this, I’m a big boy. And I do this two-mile jog, and then I get off the treadmill.

And then a couple of hours pass and my foot feels like it has the Grand Canyon in it and the Grand Canyon is made out of nerve endings that people are jumping up and down on with little spikes and jamming little devil forks into every single little nerve ending.

So they’re jamming my nerve endings, I’ve got my foot raised, I put an ice pack on it, I did all the things you’re supposed to do for this kind of painful situation.

And then a day passed and I could barely leave my bed, and then a second day passed and I could barely leave my bed.

Meanwhile, I’m making videos for this channel and then posting them and distributing them and the whole thing, you know, and I love that, I was loving my work but I was wanting to get out of the house and go to this new hotel in town and do some video on that. But I’ve been stuck in bed because I have this nerve ending ouchiepalooza right in the center of my left foot. 

So day two comes, and then day three, and then day four, and it’s like, am I ever gonna be able to walk on this foot again? I was like, fuck I need to figure out how long this is going to last, so I did what every American does, I googled, what is the scariest thing that can happen from a foot biopsy?

So I end up on the Mayo clinic page or one of these pages, some real health agency, and they’re like, this can last for weeks. Fuck.

So the last 10 days, I’ve been hobbling around like that little guy who wants the ring in the Lord of the Rings, you know the guy with no fur and no hair or whatever that guy’s name is.

I mean, I love life and I love being alive so one of the reasons I go to the dermatologist on a regular basis, as suggested, is just to make sure I can live forever. But every now and then, I was like, I wonder if this is going to turn out to be cancer, that would be terrible, and I wouldn’t even know how to begin to deal with that, I’ve certainly known people with cancer, and I know that it’s a lot to go through, and you’re a real warrior when you go through it, like, cancer is the worst fucking thing, and the people who go through it are the most incredible people. It’s just like … shit.

So the dermatologist said one of two things was going to happen, you’re going to get a call from a nurse who tells you you don’t have cancer, or you’re going to get a call from me the doctor, who tells you you do have cancer.

So just a few minutes ago, just before I started filming this video, the phone rang. And I looked at it, and then I listened.

Was it the nurse or the doctor?

And what I hear …

Is the nurse, and there’s nothing going on with this mole.

And you know I didn’t even think about how much this was going to impact me when I got the call.

I just kept putting it out of my head and putting it out of my head, thinking, this is not going to be anything, this is not gonna be anything, and I know I was just reassuring myself of some horrible doubts, and it turned out that …

It was OK.

So in the end, the story I’m telling you is just a simple story of someone who went to the doctor and had a biopsy and the biopsy turned out to be fine.

But when you take that story. And you feel every minute of 10 days, it builds up, and then it gets to you, because you think about your mortality, and you think about all the people you’ve lost to cancer, and you think about the people you didn’t lose to cancer, and you think about when is cancer ever going to be fucking cured, and will it be cured in my lifetime? Will I get to see it cured?

I know this is a cliched thing to say but I really do feel grateful every day.

When I was in my 20s, I wasn’t super grateful about being alive, I mean I just sort of took it for granted. I was very happy to be alive and it wasn’t like I was throwing my life away, I had a really good time my 20s, I had the whole thing, love and marriage and work and friends and skiing, I really lived it up.

And then as life went on, every day you wake up you’re like, I’m so fucking grateful that I can get up out of bed!

Even when I was hobbling around the house these past 10 days, I have this same motto going through my head which is, it’s better than nothing, it’s better than being in the dirt, this is better than nothing.

I’d rather feel the pain from the bottom of my foot and I would rather be waiting for a phone call from a nurse or a doctor for 10 days with all of that suspense. I’m just so fucking grateful to be in this fucking world as fucked up as it is.

I always have this motto in my head which is, it’s better than nothing. And I know that sounds bleak to some extent but it’s not to me, to me it’s very hopeful, it’s like I know I can crawl out of this, I know I can pull myself out of this fucking hole, I will move forward.

And I’m not saying anybody else has to be that way. I’m telling you my story and my story today is that I woke up, it’s been 10 days, I thought I might get this call today, I tried not to think about it, I get the call, and here we are.

And either way, it’s a beautiful day.

So I wanna tell you thank you very much, I love you with all of my heart, and I hope you’re making the best day of your life. 


I could’ve been a sex worker:

#dermatology #biopsy #vlog

(the game dork llc + copyright + trademark = original content)


Netflix’s Too Hot To Handle is creepy and shames sex and masturbation

Hey have you seen this creepy show on Netflix called Too Hot To Handle? It’s a show where the voiceover narrator boasts that they lied to contestants who are super beautiful and self identify as sluts, and they go like, oh you can come on this island and you’ll be there with all these other sexy people. But once the sexy contestants get there and they get all ROWR, the show tells them, you can’t have sex and you can’t kiss and you can’t masturbate and you can’t have oral sex and you can’t have anal sex, you can’t have any sex for weeks on end.

First of all, this is not very good for the human system, the human body needs to have things happen, it can’t just shut the fuck down, that’s not healthy.

Aside from that, let me tell you why this is a fucking creepy ass show. It’s creepy because you go, well how are they going to enforce people not having sex? It’s pretty simple to do, you have cameras everywhere, you even have cameras right on their genitals. This is not a close-up I made, this is a close-up screenshot from the show. They’re like, awww look at this, oh look over here, look at this!

So the show is a hypocrite, they’re like, hey you can’t have any sexual activity but we’re going to profit off of your sexuality, we’re gonna super just completely exploit the fuck out of you. And you’re like, but Doug this is just a close-up of their crotches, right? Wait, hold on, heyyy, exploitation of a guy who’s naked with his butt hanging out!

Now I’m all for self exploitation, the guy signed on the dotted line, he knows the cameras are there, he takes his pants off, that’s fine with me, that’s great, except for the fact that he’s kept from having sexual activity for the time he’s here.

You’re probably like, why don’t they just masturbate and fuck in the showers? Oh because there are cameras in the showers as you can tell here, and here.

So then you’re probably thinking like, well they probably masturbated in the bathroom right? No. These crazy producers hired what they called pervy producers or pervy assistants — and they go, ha ha no, we’re joking — but really we had people sitting outside the bathrooms listening to the heavy breathing of people while they’re on the toilet to make sure they aren’t masturbating and having heavy breathing on the toilet! Are you telling me someone can’t be in the bathroom masturbating and like somehow covering up their breath?

So meanwhile, there is a voiceover narrator and this woman is always reading these lines written for her, or maybe she’s writing them I don’t know, but the lines sound like someone from the 1800s or some Victorian era prude is like, oh my God how dare this person kiss them? And, oh my god you’re getting very close to kissing or something. And it’s like, man what the fuck kind of prude ass are you? Shut the fuck up.

You can’t simultaneously go like, hey viewer check out this sexy person, and at the same time be like, this sexy person is disgusting for wanting to have sex. Like what kind of mixed message bullshit is this, you stupid fucking asshole piece of shit show?

Do you see this guy? They’re constantly on this guy‘s ass because he’s wanting to get it on, because he’s like 20 or 21 or something, and he’s sexy and he’s horny, you know, like here he is naked, so the show is like, hey check out this naked guy… who can’t masturbate!

So you’re like, what’s the stick and carrot for the show? The carrot is, at the end of season one they divided the remnants of $100,000 among a bunch of people who got to the end so each contestant got an extra 10 grand on top of whatever salary they got for being on this show. So if you are a super hot model type person, the question is, can you go like three weeks or however many weeks they went on this tropical island with other beautiful people, mostly naked all of the time, and not have any sexual congress for like 10 grand? Is it worth 10 grand? This would be an interesting question if it weren’t so fucking creepy.

So how intrusive was the show? Here is a couple having oral sex and they were caught on this camera. And then the next day, they were like, we’re going to deduct so many thousands of dollars from the grand prize pool which we’re gonna spread out among like eight or 10 people or whatever it was. So like this blowjob cost this couple, I don’t know, a few hundred bucks? Like, it seemed kind of worth it to me.

So you’re probably like, the season two people probably saw the first season of Too Hot To Handle and they knew what they were getting themselves into when they signed up for the show. No. They were lied to. They were told they were going to be in this show called Parties in Paradise. So they go, ha ha you’re gonna be in this show called Parties in Paradise and you’re going to be on this island with a lot of hot people and have lots of sex, so in their minds the contestants were probably like, oh my God you know I’m going to be on this island with all of these beautiful people. They had no idea they were going to be told they had to be chaste for weeks on end or they were going to lose some prize and get thrown off some show. And people do get thrown off the show if they don’t take the show seriously.

Let me tell you what this crazy show does to people. One of the things it does is it makes the women look at their vaginas and their vulvas in these mirrors, so the show is like, you can’t have sex and you can’t masturbate and you can’t kiss and you can’t have oral sex or we’re going to deduct money from you, but we’re going to film you looking at your vulva and inside your vagina on camera.

What drives me crazy about this is, there’s a thing TV news used to do a lot of back in the old days. They would go like, here’s a bunch of sexy stuff that we’re showing you and we disapprove of it, but we’re going to profit off of it, and this is exactly what this show is doing. They’re like, oh look at these dumb ass sluts that we’re trying to fix their lives by making them not be so sexual anymore, but look at them and see how beautiful they are and make sure you’re subscribed to Netflix and give us that money, money for naked people who we won’t let fuck.

I mean, look how beautiful these people are. Look at these fine specimens of sexual beings. This guy says the thing he’s most proudest of his dick, it is comparable in size to this air freshener can, so this beautiful guy with this giant tool is supposed to keep it under wraps for three or four weeks or however long they film this fucking show for, give me a fucking break.

Oh and here’s the other disgusting thing about the fucking show. Whenever anybody breaks the fucking rules, the voiceover narrative goes, tsk tsk tsk don’t you know you’re costing your team money? And it’s like, a kiss costs $3,000 so when someone breaks the rules the show voiceover is like, money is everything, kissing sucks, sex sucks, do everything for money! This is what Netflix represents with this show.

Now am I going to keep watching it? Yeah. I’m going to put it on in the background and put the volume down, put some music on or something like that, I used to watch Charmed like that.

If there’s one reason I’m glad I watched the show it is to see this woman Chloe, Chloe is like a female Russell Brand, she’s hot, she’s sexy, she’s dumb. I hope she’s in every reality show for the next five years. She is great.

So if you watch this show, I don’t really blame you, because everybody’s really pretty, but what I recommend is you turn the volume down because when you’re fucking listening to them talk, they don’t say a lot of interesting things, and the other thing is the voiceover narrative is fucking god awful, they’re always like tsk tsk tsk I can’t believe you kissed that person, you just cost everybody some money.

And the bullshit reason they give these contestants for not having sex is they go, we’re trying to make you more complete people who don’t just think about sex but you think about love and connections. But the producers told the media the reason they came up with the show is because they saw the masturbation episode of Seinfeld, the episode where there was a financial incentive for whoever masturbated last. They wanted to do a beautiful show with beautiful people on a beach, set to this idea from Seinfeld. But when you’re watching the show, they’re like, we’re trying to make you feel bonded.

So I’m sure you’re like, why are you sticking up for a bunch of hot people on an island? You know why? Because I am the spokesperson for hot people who want to have sex. So on a scale from 1 to 5, I will give this show 2 stars.

Thanks everybody, I love you, I hope you’re making the best day of your life.





#sex #masturbation #NetlixsTooHotToHandleIsCreepy

(the game dork llc + copyright + trademark = original content)


Possibly terrible advice from Dr. Love Doug (don’t follow this advice)

Hey everybody, you know back during quarantine, 1 million years ago, we were all doing stuff with our lives online that we don’t want anybody to know about. Well, one of the things I did online, I want everybody to know about, and it has nothing to do with porn. It has to do with this degree that I earned. It cost me $30, I took a long five-click course to get this doctorate, and when it arrived in the mail I thought, my mom was so stupid going to college all those years to get a doctorate.

It is official, I am a doctor of divinity, and my name is Dr. Love Doug. I am going to do my first Dear Dr. Love Doug questions. That’s right, I am also an advice columnist named Dr. Love Doug. Let’s look at the first questions that have come in.

I’m stupid.

Dear Dr. Love Doug, my husband masturbates to porn by himself in his man cave. I masturbate in the bathtub like a civilized lady. We’ve been married nine years. Is the sex over?

Well let me tell you what. What you want to do is start masturbating together, you want to get in the same room. If you prefer the tub, then invite your lover into the bathroom to watch you masturbate and maybe they can even masturbate while you’re masturbating. And then that way, it’s a bonding.

Then when he’s masturbating in the man cave, maybe you could hire somebody to clean it up, no that’s a bad idea. Why don’t you clean it up or … no that puts all the power in his hands. Go buy a whip and go to him and, !whip!, and then go: You need to go clean up that man cave so I can watch you masturbate in here.

Man, if you tell your lover you want to watch them masturbate, they will enjoy that so much, and if they don’t then they are hiding something. So the thing is, y’all want to watch each other orgasm every day. That is the key to a good relationship. If that’s during sex, butt sex, oral, if it’s mutual masturbation, you guys are a couple, you need to orgasm together frequently, and that will create a bond.

In fact, in science, there’s this thing called oxytocin. And oxytocin is not OxyContin. Oxytocin is a chemical inside men’s and women’s brains and when you have an orgasm, that oxytocin transfers between you. There have been studies that have shown when women masturbate to their computers and then have orgasms in front of their computers, they exchange oxytocin with their laptops and they fall in love with their laptops. And the same thing’s going on with dudes.

There’s a reason you got together in the first place and that’s so you could share orgasms. If your relationship isn’t about romance or sentimentality or any of that stuff, you’re in a relationship with a friend, man. The key to a happy romantic relationship is orgasming in front of each other, I would say once a day, but that’s probably too much for some people. Some people just want to have like an orgasm every one to four days or every other day. Some people want four to six orgasms a day. Whatever the number is, you need to orgasm in front of each other and share that oxytocin so you can stay in love, man. Like in romantic love!

Second question for Dr. Love Doug.

Dear Dr. Love Doug, my partner puts the toilet paper on the wrong way, should I get rid of them and not be in a relationship with them anymore?

Let me tell you what, I have thought about this for years because every relationship Dr. Love Doug has been in has had a little bit of a toilet paper component in it because sometimes Dr. Love Doug’s partners want to put the toilet paper on so it cascades under, I put it over, and there is no right and wrong in this scenario.

The best way to get around this toilet paper issue is go get yourself a second roller, put it up next to the other roller, that way you’ve got one toilet paper coming over, one toilet paper going down in the back, that way one is right for each of you and one is wrong for each of you, and then you can be happy together in your toilet paper life and have perspective on love is more important than toilet paper.

Question number three for Dr. Love Doug.

Dear Dr. Love Doug, is it OK for me to cut my toenails in front of my partner in the living room?

Hey, hey, hey, no! Do not do that, it is gross. You want to cut your toenails and your fingernails in a restroom, a bathroom, a water closet, whatever it is that people call your bathroom over the centuries, that’s where you need to cut your nails, preferably you don’t let them get on the floor or on the counter or anything like that. Then if they do, clean it up, throw it away, try to be considerate, would you want toenails flying in your face? No.

That is all for today with Dr. Love Doug. If you have any questions for Dr. Love Doug, put them in the comment section. Plus I don’t mean for this sexy nun costume to be insulting to people of religions. I promise. I just like it, I think I look good in it. And I thought about all the different costumes I wanted to wear and honor, and I think this is the best outfit in all of religion, is sexy nun. If you are upset with this sexy nun representation, please tell me, I love my friends very much and above all I don’t want to hurt any of my friends’ feelings, I promise. Oh you know when this came in the mail, I thought, oh I’m not gonna look good in that, but then I put it on, man, I like it, I might just walk around the house in this, you might see me in the grocery store with this.

I love you, I hope you’re making the best day of your life.