Punching THROUGH Faces


 My Mike Tyson Timeline

1. Was amazed by Mike Tyson’s young boxing fists smashing through skulls and knocking people out in like one minute. He didn’t just try to punch faces. He punched THROUGH faces like he was aiming at the backs of their skulls. It was shocking to watch that much extra brutality in a sport that crystallizes brutality. Plus I thought: I guess that’s how you win at anything in life — you aim beyond your goal, you punch THROUGH the skull.

2. Got crestfallen when Mike Tyson lost to Buster Douglas, and I kind of gave up on him — but I did tape the news headline “Douglas KOs Tyson” to my door, because my full name was Douglas so … BAM I knocked out Mike Tyson. (Not really.)

3. Loved that Mike Tyson bit off that Evander Holyfield ear. LOVED IT. Didn’t like Evander Holyfield. He seemed so pompous and phony, to me. And man I am so pompous on occasion. I should love a fellow pomp but I didn’t love Holyfield, because his whole better-than-thou act seemed like an act to me. For all I know, I was wrong and Holyfield is the next Mother Teresa and he’s saving baby dolphin orphans. I don’t mean to besmirch him. I’m just telling you my state of mind. I liked it when Mike Tyson bit his ear off. It was fun and funny and I was at a tiki bar in Florida when it came across the TV and my friends and I all drunkenly laughed about it on the beach for like two hours. Hilarious, mostly because I never respected the integrity of boxing in the first place. I am sorry though, Holyfield. Nobody should bite other people’s ears off. Not cool.

4. Disgusted by Mike Tyson’s rxxx case. Just utterly yucked tf out by it. (See next item.)

5. Saw the documentary where Mike Tyson said that even though he didn’t rxxx the woman he went to prison for, he took advantage of other women. Awful just awful.

6. Sat near Mike Tyson at a Prince concert at The Aladdin/Planet Hollywood. Mike Tyson left early. Prince played for like four hours and then some of us went to Studio 54 at the MGM to watch Prince do another 90 minutes in a secret private show. I had the best standing spot in the VIP section. I earned that spot, I was the best writer in the world, a legend in my own mind. Some woman kept flirting with me, trying to get me to invite her into the VIP area but I was sketched out by her overacted eagerness, so I ignored her. Big Prince night, though.

7. Felt super sad after Mike Tyson’s daughter died from that treadmill. What a heartbreaking tragedy. Made me glad I had a vasectomy. I couldn’t handle that. Mike Tyson is stronger than me.

8. Walked out of MGM casino show where everyone seemed to love Mike Tyson’s stage persona during his one-man play. I mean, it’s impressive when anyone can do a one-man play. But I don’t know. I just kept remembering that documentary confession of his about what he did to women and it made me feel weird hearing people applaud him now. I thought: Well, maybe he deserves a chance at redemption, but I’m going home, I shouldn’t have RSVPd, this is my fault for even being here.

9. Forgot about Mike Tyson.

10. This morning Mike Tyson is in the news because he allegedly hit some rando citizen in real life and it made me think about my life moments with Mike Tyson — the boxing greatness, the court case, the daughter, the documentary, the Prince show, the MGM show I bailed out on and … all I can lamely conclude is my theory of the day:

Life is something else, it just keeps moving forward, and there’s nothing we observers can do about it except keep observing or look away.


Sharks! (Vegas Aquarium!!)


 Fucking shark!

Oh my god, the fucking head on that thing!

And the tail and teeth!

And man, did you know that sharks have big mouths with giant teeth and they just go around eating, and living for hundreds of years, and swimming over people's heads in giant tanks in Las Vegas?!

And they just swim around, and they look like this, and they just don't even eat the turtles and the fish, they just kind of swim around, and they come right at people and they scare them (and then you look red) and then, you know, they're everywhere, these sharks, they're majestic!

Oh my God, the majestic sharks are so insane and they're coming to get you, they're just gonna swim right at you!

Look at that shark, looking right at these people, going, “Oh I’m gonna eat you, nom nom nom, nom rah rahhh!”

Yes, oh my God, if that's not bad enough, check out these fucking piranha!

Piranha says, “gimme your fingers!”

I mean, God, ugh!

Let’s get into the jellyfish, oh my God, don't let the jellyfish sting you, these things’ll kill you, oh they are so … oh my God look at these crazy jelly …

And people!: People are the worst of all, they'll kill you!

And stingrays are very nice, they let you touch them!

And I don't know what these things are, if they’re dangerous or not, but they're pretty cute, you know, wouldn’t mind having one in my house, petting it every now and then — if they don't get eaten by these sharks!

But look at that shark head, imagine having a head like that, and swimming around like a little fish!

I’m gonna take a picture!

Boop!

That’s me!


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Shark Conservation Groups


https://sharkstewards.org


https://wildaid.org/programs/sharks/


https://www.wcs.org/our-work/wildlife/sharks-skates-rays


https://coral.org/en/


https://www.conservation.org/priorities/doubling-ocean-protection


https://sharkadvocates.org


https://www.iucnredlist.org


https://www.floridamuseum.ufl.edu/shark-attacks/


Despite my silly tone in this shark piece, please know I am like most people in loving sharks!

Please consider getting involved in saving sharks around the world.

If not for the sharks, do it for you! If sharks die off, that will kill the ecosystem which could damage the oceans, which could irreparably harm humans like you and your loved ones.

Please save the sharks! They are our friends!!

❤️❤️❤️


Film location: Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas.


Naked Butts

 Age-restricted video:

https://youtu.be/FFkaqNsglCg



So I went to ”Chippendales” for like the fifth time — at the Rio hotel in Las Vegas — and I had the same thought I always have there:

You know those men who are like, “Hey, where can I find a bunch of excited women who will smile at me a lot?”

Those men should go to “Chippendales,” because when you walk into “Chippendales,” it seems like 1 million smiling women (and some men) are having a good time, and all they’re doing is just screaming for naked men to take off their clothes.

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Then you have all these Chippendale dancers who frolic around in cop uniforms, and in cowboy hats, and in construction uniforms (with their big sledgehammers hanging out).

Apparently, the smiling women in attendance (their eyes feasting on bounties of beefcake) arrive at this Chippendales crossroads via three main arteries (according to the show’s host):

Women come for bachelorette parties.

Women come for birthday parties.

Women come to celebrate their divorces. 

The women aren’t there just to gaze at the man meat. They also see men doing things that they’re good at.

Chippendales dancers are good at aerial acrobatics, and they’re good at ripping their trousers off, and most of all they’re good at wielding the willpower to eat and exercise right. 

I mean, every time I see “Chippendales,” I think:

This is so motivating to me to continue to stay on my food plan and work out every day — which I'm gonna do the second I finish this column. I need to do yoga. I need to lift weights. and I need to get on the treadmill. I do this every single day. I eat a nice breakfast that doesn’t have any carbs or gluten. And yet I can’t get in as good a shape as these “Chippendales” men, which tells you how dedicated they are to their physical forms.

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I should point out that the crowd isn’t just a bunch of hetero women. This is an LGBTQ+-friendly show, from cast to crowd. 

The only bummer is that I have personally known men who would be really freaked out if they were at “Chippendales,” because they're not secure in their bodies or their sexuality.

Over the years, I’ve heard male acquaintances say things like “women shouldn't have sex toys” and “women shouldn't necessarily have orgasms.”

This is nonsense, you know, and I don't really understand this kind of man. I have no cure for them.

Speaking of prudes: They should stay away from “Chippendales,” probably.

Personally, one of many reasons I love Las Vegas is that it's not a city for prudes.

If you're a prude and you live in Vegas or if you come here? You’re in the wrong place and you need to go to someplace like Oklahoma — no offense to Oklahoma, I promise — but there's a place for everyone, and if you are a prude, maybe do not come to Las Vegas and do not go to a “Chippendales” show.

We are pretty transparent about just how debaucherous and hedonistic we are in Las Vegas.

We have billboards that have naked butts on them.

We have nudie revues like “Chippendales,” and “Fantasy,” and “Zombie Burlesque.”

Honestly, these shows are not even close to the most risque things in town.

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I mean, we have the Red Rooster swinger club, and the Green Door swinger club, and nude strip clubs, and massage joints, and trucks that drive up and down Las Vegas Boulevard while advertising naked-esque women “direct” to you, and locals enjoy SUV sex in parking garages. Vegas is a sex city.

Anyway, so what I'm saying is, if you ever want a fun, absurd show with a bunch of people screaming at naked people and that's what you like in life is like enjoyment and excitement and loveliness of human interactions, then you could do much worse than the “Chippendales” show.

The March 2022 show I went to had this guy named Vinny in it. He used to be in a TV show I'm sure you've never heard of called “Jersey Shore” and now he's temporarily in this “Chippendales” show, and he flashes his naked butt a lot.

Now I want you to imagine I'm holding an award and it's called the Dougable Award (for all of the greatest things in Las Vegas). I would give one of these awards to “Chippendales.”

And if you think that I should go to some other show or some other place to give these kinds of awards, then let me know what that is.

I love you very much. I hope you're having the best day of your life. In fact, I hope you're making this the best day of your life.

Dear Santa: I vow to be the person I want other people to be


 Dear Santa,


I want everyone to be a nice person.


I want everyone to be kind and harmless and fun-loving and mutually understanding and good to other people.


I vow to be that person even to people who treat me and others without respect and consideration.


I want as much love and laughs and sex stuff as possible on a minute by minute basis.


I want less stress.


I want to feel normal.


I want everyone to feel normal.


I want to give love and joy and not just take love and joy.


I want people to not hurt each other and to not lash out at each other, and when they do, they promise themselves they won’t do it again, especially since they’re hurting themselves by hurting others.


I want everyone to forgive themselves and everyone for everything.


I want everyone to feel like they can say what they want without other people coming at them for laughs and cruelty and pretend concern.


I want to feel good enough.


I want everyone to feel good enough.


I want everyone to not make other people feel wrong and not good enough.


I want everyone to feel like they deserve love and sex and laughs and friendship and respect and goodness.


I want people to remember that other people are people just like them and we all want friendship and fellowship and acceptance and validation and respect and consideration.


I want everyone to remind themselves it doesn’t help them or us or the world to vilify each other.


I vow to be the person I want other people to be.


I want to lead by example.


I want everyone to lead by example.


Thank you. I love you. I hope you’re making this the best day of your life.

‘Don’t know how to keep lovin’ you now that I know you so well’



I’m listening to this song where a woman says to her lover that she wonders how she can love them now that she knows them and I can relate to this sentiment about boredom and quarrels much more deeply than I feel comfortable admitting to myself because I have been in so many relationships with people I’ve loved and they turned out to be someone I didn’t think they would turn out to be and this bothered me so greatly at the time and it bothers me still now because some part of me wonders if my judgment was always bad or whether it’s just a part of life to get into someone and then to get out of someone or in other words there is this expression I coined years ago which friends sometimes repeat to me while laughing and that phrase is that whoever you’re crushing on currently will be someone you hate in five years and there is another thought I’ve had when I’ve developed a crush on someone which is that when I’ve felt nervous around them I’ve just taken a bunch of deep breaths and I looked at them and I thought to myself that someday I would hate them so if I just remembered that I would hate them someday then while I was talking to them I would feel less nervous and I don’t recommend this thought process because it made me cynical and skeptical and sometimes bitter and I don’t feel that way anymore because now when I talk to everyone I make sure I’m thinking that I love myself and them unconditionally and I don’t focus on the potential negative ending someday because it may not be bad and it may fizzle out or maybe it will be awful so I remind myself there are billions of people in the world and we are constantly possibly meeting any number of new people who could enter our lives out of nowhere and become the most important person in our lives and you know I’m right because that’s how our lives have gone so far which is that you’re just carrying on about your day and then you meet someone and for whatever reason there’s this magical connection for you to be friends or lovers or acquaintances or peers or coworkers and it turns out amazing and you didn’t see that coming because you don’t have ESP because none of us has ESP so the thing is that nothing is predictable ultimately because emotions are unpredictable and you might think to yourself that life is predictable like when you go on Twitter you become furious and I certainly feel that predictability myself and you might predict that when you go to a pet store and pet animals that you will feel better and you are probably correct because I have had that happen a million times and certainly I’m not saying that you can never predict a potential emotion based on biases and past experiences but I’m saying the long-term stuff like love and friendship and all of that is unpredictable in the way that you initially spark up a relationship with these special people and it’s also unpredictable how long your relationship will grow before it turns stale or stupid or become the best relationship of your life so anyway I’m listening to this song where a woman asks herself how she can love someone once she knows them and it’s such a profoundly disturbing truism within us all at some point or another when we are with someone and we want to love them so hard and we may like them even harder perhaps but after some amount of time playing this Jenga of a relationship we realize it has too many holes in it and we wonder how this Jenga of love can possibly survive the appearance of one more hole and there’s yet another thing to ponder about which the singer of this song identifies when she wonders if continuing a relationship is a venture into the darkness or is it the light 

CONFESSION: $4 ice cream chocolate drizzle pancake cures loneliness


 So I found myself feeling uncharacteristically lonely last night on a Saturday night in the autumn of Las Vegas where October evenings darken and there’s an occasional chill but it is still quite warm and dry in this leftover box from summer and I didn’t know what to do with my lonesome self because it was too late to make a date and it was too late to crash into friends’ living rooms like a sitcom goofball and I didn’t want to go to a nightclub or a bar and I tried going to retail shops but they were closed and I didn’t want to go to the main retail store which was still open which was Walmart but not because I’m better than Walmart but I just didn’t feel like that mood of zombie so I sat in my eight-year-old electric Fiat clown car in a parking lot in front of TJ Maxx while adorable strangers ambled in front of me from left to right as seen through my windshield and so I just started driving and I thought of where I used to go in high school in the middle of the night to read and to feel fresh and grumpy and that place was IHOP and as it turns out there is an IHOP on the way home to my house from the closed retail stores so I pulled up to this alleged international house of pancakes and I put on my pandemic mask and I walked in and it was empty except for one table full of whispering family and the hostess walked me to a table where she was kind to me and I ordered decaffeinated coffee and iced water and this insane pancake ice cream chocolate drizzle item for four dollars off of the IHOP happy hour menu which surprised me because I didn’t know IHOP did happy hour but I was pretty happy about it during this hour of need which registered as a four on a scale of one to ten of neediness for human interaction and with each spoonful of scrumptious sugar delight my mind perked up like sprinkles glittering through my lightless sky until I finally felt not alone and I paid my small check and I left a five dollar tip which equaled the bill and I wrote a little nice note to the server and drew a happy smiley face and I drove home and plugged in my clown car and I walked in and took off all of my clothes and then put on my exercise clothes and got on the treadmill and I walked four miles like the body dysmorphic I am but I am pleased with myself that I did something with my loneliness and I’m sure physical trainers and dietitians would not be thrilled with my choice of ice cream pancake chocolate drizzle but that’s just too fucking bad because a little sugar served from a smiling stranger was just what the metaphorical doctor ordered 

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bye norm


 Before I got to talk to Norm here in Las Vegas, I was in Florida once and I didn’t see this one show he did at a private religious university but what I was told later was:

Norm was doing so badly with these religious students that he just said:

“You know, my contract says I have to stand up here for 45 minutes, so I’m just gonna stand here until 45 minutes are up.“

And then he looked at his watch and waited until the 45 minutes were up and then left.

That’s the way it was told to me by a publicist or somebody that was associated with that university, and I laughed and then I said:

“That Norm is a genius.”

And she goes:

“I had to walk around with him all day, I wouldn’t call him a genius.”

But I think that’s where a lot of people don’t totally get Norm’s genius. His genius was him being ridiculous. I think one of his albums was called “Ridiculous.”

I don’t think he made any bones about the fact he was ridiculous. Very often I don’t make any bones about being ridiculous. I enjoy it. Sometimes I feel like a performing monkey, and you know, that doesn’t feel super great. But I definitely feel ridiculous. So I love Norm.

Norm was my favorite “SNL” character of all time, and one of my all-time top five interviews. Over and over, we talked so many times.

And then all day today, I kept thinking:

“Should I do something about Norm? Should I do some kind of obituary type thing? Some type of remembrance?“

And I just felt like it would be wrong. I just kept thinking it would be wrong. But then I thought it would be my last chance to say:

Goodbye Norm.

You know, Norm Macdonald died today and we didn’t even know he was sick. He died of cancer. I’ve been gutted all day by it. I kept thinking I’m just gonna do some work.

And you know, it’s fucking weird when famous people die and you feel effected. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

But the thing with Norm is, I talked to him a bunch. And I’m not saying I was his best friend or whatever, or one of his poker buddies. I never hung out with him and played poker or did anything. He didn’t drink or do drugs, that’s what he said, I guess he was telling the truth.

He was a real sweetheart guy.

One time I was talking to this guy who started a charity, and I said how did you start the charity? And he said: I moved to Los Angeles, and I was rolling around in my wheelchair, and I was going down this one street, and I saw Norm Macdonald, and I ran into him, and I said, Norm I’ve always wanted to be in entertainment, can you get me into entertainment? And Norm goes, no I can’t get you in but I’ll give you somebody who can.

And Norm hooked up this random guy who ran into him in a wheelchair with Sam Simon of “The Simpsons,” one of the greatest show producers of all time, and probably my favorite interview I ever did with anybody that was in charge of shows, Sam Simon was incredible. And then Sam helped that guy in the wheelchair create this charity. And that charity would come to Vegas every year and they would raise money for this charity.

And then Norm would go. And one time, the guy in the wheelchair who started that charity was sitting next to Norm and Norm goes, “Hey I’m gonna go to the bathroom” or something, and then said “here watch my money, here’s my chips.” And the guy in the wheelchair who started the charity, Jacob Zalewski, lost a lot of this money and then Norm came back and said, “Hey! You lost my money!”

But Norm didn’t care. Norm told me once that every time he came to Vegas he would win a bunch of money or lose a bunch of money, but one time he was up $186,000 and then it was time for him to go get a plane. So he took that money, he took the chips, he took $186,000 in chips off the table, he was playing table games, he sticks it in his luggage, and then he flies to Los Angeles, puts the chips in the freezer, $186,000 in gambling chips, in a freezer in Norm Macdonald’s house in Los Angeles.

And then he quit playing table games, he claimed, for 2 1/2 years. But then I talked to him after that and he said:

“Ah I’ve got all these chips in my freezer so I guess the next time I go back to Vegas, I guess I’m just going to gamble!“

Norm told my very favorite Las Vegas joke. He goes:

“If you’re the prettiest woman in Des Moines Iowa, they’ll build a statue in your honor. But if you move to Las Vegas, you’re a cocktail waitress.“

And that’s not a joke against Des Moines or Iowa or cocktail waitresses or any of that. The joke is very contextual to Las Vegas which is, if you go to Encore Beach Club or someplace like that in Las Vegas, the women are the most beautiful people you’ve ever seen in your entire life. I was at Encore once in the VIP section, I’m not trying to brag that’s just where I was, and the entirety of Victoria’s Secret models came in and I saw Victoria’s Secret models being served by the cocktailers … who were way hotter than the Victoria’s Secret models. That’s how pretty women are in Vegas. So that’s my favorite Las Vegas joke, this Des Moines Iowa joke that Norm Macdonald told.

I’m sure Norm would probably be upset that I’m even telling you why the joke is funny, but you kinda have to know Vegas. He told that joke to me, or an audience in Vegas, and Vegas people knew what was going on.

I never asked Norm about his dating life or any of that stuff. I don’t know why. I guess because Norm seemed so asexual in a way. I just never looked at him and thought, he really gets around. He had a kid so I guess he did. I don’t know. I don’t know who his person was.

Do you know what’s really crazy is, Norm told me once he doesn’t have a driver's license and he thought he would have one before his son but he didn’t. And someday he planned to get one but I don’t think he ever did. I think it was too late for him. My sister doesn’t have a driver's license either which I don’t understand. But Norm showed his green card because he’s from Canada.

So here’s Norm with no driver’s license and he gets a job on TV in ads promoting auto insurance.

And then after that he was in a movie with Dave Chapelle where he had to be in a car, it was a scene where he had to be in a car but he couldn’t drive. So they put him in the driver seat and they attached the car to a truck and the truck was pulling the car. So he was just sitting there at the steering wheel … and he fell asleep. And then the director didn’t even notice until they were looking at the dailies.

I love that Norm. I don’t know what else to say about Norm. I think it sucks that he’s dead and I hope we cure cancer at some point.

Funniest guy on “SNL.”

Not the most talented guy on SNL.

But the funniest.

Bye Norm.

Southern boy


 I grew up in the south but I don’t miss it because people weren’t very nice to me in the south by and large but I will take this moment to be positive and kind and tell you what I miss about the south which includes blue jean shorts and tank tops and bare feet and the beaches of Florida and tiki huts on those beaches where you drink beer from pitchers and eat fried foods out of cardboard boats and there’s no air-conditioning but you’re under the shady awning of tiki straw with your friends who might be smoking cigarettes in bikinis and board shorts and crop tops and flip-flops and beaded sandals and they’re not wearing much make-up and you’re listening to a local musician playing guitar and singing Margaritaville or Brown Eyed Girl but I also miss not caring about anything ever except hanging out with your friends and shooting the shit and coming up with stupid slang and saying things like how you just love Tracy to death but she’s a hard pill to swallow and I miss the yellow sun coming into your orange kitchen window with its shiny sundrops splashing across the green plants in your windowsill and I miss not caring about anything which I may have already mentioned and I miss running shoeless across green grass in fields around town where you go get high and throw Frisbee with your friends and dogs and you try not to step in dog shit and I miss some other stuff probably but that’s all that comes to mind right now and I’m going to give myself a little pat on the back for being positive about the south today because it is very easy for me to think about all the bad stuff but I’m gonna tell you something which is I am gonna just sit here for a second and close my eyes and picture me and my friends and lovers at a bar in a tiki hut and I can hear the waves of the water and I can hear when people on the sand hit their volleyball with the palms of their hands and I can hear the terrible comforting music and the drunk strangers who are almost naked and looking to score and I might be one of those people

There’s nothing to be anxious about


There’s nothing to be anxious about.

I woke up at four in the morning with my heart slightly racing from anxious dreaming which happens more often than I want so I laid there and devised a new strategy to tell myself, “there’s nothing to be anxious about, there’s nothing to be anxious about, there’s nothing to be anxious about,” and I put my head and body in sleep position again and repeated this mantra to myself out of kindness to myself who I love unconditionally until I fell asleep and later I woke up feeling calm and rational with no anxiety and no desperation and I feel like I’m inside the good me again with nothing to lose.

Can you spot the demographic Netflix is going for based on its top 10?

 


1 Virgin River (woman moves to rural America 🐴 🌳 🍹)

2 Never Have I Ever (chronicles of a schoolgirl 👧🏾)

3 Twilight (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

4 Manifest (special people have visions 🪄)

5 Heist (true crime 🕵️‍♀️)

6 Twilight New Moon (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

7 Twilight Eclipse (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

8 Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2 (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)

9 Gunpowder Milkshake (female assassins 🕵️‍♀️)

10 Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 (schoolgirl ❤️ sparkly vampire 🧛‍♂️)


I mean no disrespect to the demographic Netflix focuses on in the least. It’s just an observation and I have no ideas or conclusions about what Netflix’s business plan is about, but I’m fascinated by it, and curious how you feel about it. (I’m a watcher like you, not an insider.)

WHERE SHOULD I POST THIS: A SOCIAL MEDIA BREAKDOWN


Twitter: America’s 24/7 prison riot

Instagram: Where I look pretty

XVideos: The greatest thing that ever happens

Snapchat: Photo filters for photos no one ever sees

TikTok: Lipsync someone else’s joke to the same song they used when they stole the joke from someone else

YouTube: Incredible or boring videos made by nice people who seem just a little bit nervous

Facebook: Like a beautiful daily yearbook of our lives (if you block Trumpers) or a cesspool of scum and villainy (if you don’t)

Pinterest: Purses and dresses

Reddit: Like a weird dog’s dick 

Whatsapp: For people with lovers in Germany 

(User experience differs per person)


LISTEN TO THE SLEEPY SOUNDS OF RAIN IN BED WITH ME IN LAS VEGAS: AN HOUR OF AMBIENCE BY DOUGABLE


We need rain. We always need rain. But this was a rare confluence of things we don’t always get at once — massive heat (101), rain as heavy as other cities, our stupid winds, and that unlikeliest of sights … midnight lightning. What a weird summer we’re having.


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